Category Archives: Me, Myself & I

Devirginized Terminal Phalanges

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Nervousness, agitation and neurasthenia were the general feelings, never in my life that I have experienced it.  I always do it to myself and I have never let anybody do it to me until this morning.  The question I initially uttered is if it would hurt.  I asked because the living soul who would do it to me never uttered a word prior to doing it.  I asked because usually like doctors injecting a vial of medicine into my corporal chassis, they would tell me that it would ache a little similar to an ant’s bite.

Nengkoy’s Executive Housekeeper Alma was the one who took the object of my toenail’s innocence and purity.  She was the first person ever to do me a pedicure devirginizing the tough dorsal part of my terminal phalanges. Yes, in my 40 years of existence never in my life that I had a pedicure done by another soul.  My elder brothers (Kuya Bogis and Kuya Wreigh), my niece Thatcher and Nengkoy were around for moral support while Alma does my toenails.

It took Alma the strength, perseverance and iron-like guts to finish cleaning off my toenails.  It was so unkempt she was able to amass boulders of grime, excess keratin and sprouting ragged cuticles.  Nengkoy actually wanted to collect it and place it in a pot and plant a tree on it!

After my spectacular pedicure, I actually felt lighter.  I think I lost three pounds in the process.  Now, my toenails are so gorgeous, I want to bite it!

Sabi ni Nengkoy ang taytel daw dapat ng blag-powst na ito ay LUYA.

Wailing Woman In My Room

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Years ago when I was still living in the humble abode of Nengkoy, I collect CDs of various musical genres from classical Vivaldi to heavy metal rock.  Almost every weekend I would troop to a record bar to get me a new CD.  One of the CDs that I will never forget buying is the second album released by Paula Cole entitled This Fire.  This Fire is an impressive collection of songs.  It contains the hit Where Have All The Cowboys Gone; I Don’t Want To Wait the theme song from the hit TV series Dawson’s Creek; and, Feelin’ Love used as one of the soundtracks in City of Angels movie.

During those days every time I play my newly bought CD, I made sure that the volume is blaring.  It is so loud that the music could be heard in the outskirts of southern Mindanao.

In the album, the dramatic and poetic track number 6 made me rolling down my bedroom floor from laughter because of Nengkoy’s reaction.  The astounding yet underrated song is entitled Nitzsche’s Eyes.  Nengkoy upon hearing the last part of the song came nervously running and rushing up the second floor of the house to find out who was the wailing woman in my bedroom.  Only to find out that it was just the CD player running.

Here’s the great Nietzsche’s Eyes.  I recommend that you turn the volume in full blast to know and appreciate what I’m talking about.  Warning: before clicking the arrow, tell your mom first that you are to listen to an amazing song and there should be no cause for alarm.

Ol togeder now!!! — Geting dawn dis! Getting dawn dis! Geting dawn dis!

Bird Crap

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bird poop

I’ve been living in the concrete jungle of Metro Manila for the past four decades and never in my life that I have encountered such destiny of being pooped-on by a flying bird.  I only stayed for four short days in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia but it was the first time ever that a bird’s poop landed on my body.

One most likely explanation is because there are more birds in Malaysia as compared to Metro Manila.  This is because birds in the wild in Metro Manila usually end up either as an adobo (Filipino-style stew) on the dining table of ordinary Pinoy household or hepatitis-inclined inihaw (grilled) for sale by street hawkers.

There is a foolish irrational belief that a person getting crapped on by a bird will result to good luck.  My two cents on this is maybe because there is a very small statistics of mortals being pooped-on by these feathered creatures similar to the statistics of individuals winning the lottery.  Or maybe this horrible circumstance that is hypothesized to lead to impending godsend providence could be correlated to life’s general law of balance, harmony and equilibrium.  That one cannot have successes without failures or gains without hardships.

Now on my part, I am just but excited on what lies ahead…

Magpapasalamat akong tiyak sa tatcheng yon!

A Purple Shaded Week

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Everybody create their own private challenges may it be a completion of a 5-day miracle diet, a tour around the word in 80 days, a 9-day St. Jude novena prayer or 7–day detoxification program.  Some succeed, others do not.  And oftentimes, these challenges (which some consider as a personal devotion or self-sacrifice) are aimed at achieving something in the end.  It could be a sexier and leaner body, a silky smoother skin or a fulfillment of an impossible wish.

Prior to the start of this present week, I crafted my own personal challenge but without any particular aim in the end.  I decided to wear clothes in shades of purple for 7 consecutive days.  Purple is not my most favorite color but I believe in the statement once uttered by Coco Channel, i.e. ““The best color in the world is the one that looks good on you”.

And as a witness, I secretly told one of my colleagues in my office (Executive Sous Chef Onille Pitogo).  Yes, from Monday ‘till Sunday, I decided to wear clothing with a shade of either: mauve, lilac, violet, lavender or aubergine.  And since it is already a Saturday, I am most likely to succeed. Here’s my proof (of purchase)…

Walang basagan ng trip.  Parang gusto ko ng tortang talong at ube halaya mamayang hapunan…

monday

tuesday

wednesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thursday

friday

saturday (this is what i'm only wearing while writing this post)

sunday (this is what i will wear tomorrow)

Sana Umulan ng Pera

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me, nengkoy & 3 of my monster pamangkins

Last December 31 and January 1, a lot of people received lesser number of text messages as compared to same dates of previous years.  Sending a greeting via wall post on Facebook is more inexpensive and of course reached wider coverage.

Since everyone wished the classic peace, love and harmony among mankind this coming new year, I decided to be more practical in terms of my wish and greeting to everybody.  And since I own an extremely crazy blog, let me post the New Year greeting I sent via text message last December 31…

“Sana’y yumaman tayo at umulan ng pera sa taong 2011.

Happy New Year!!! “

I acknowledge that money is the root of all evil.  But I also recognize the glaring fact that having money is one important aspect to live a more normal, more secured and happier life this year and the years to come.  It pays the bills, it buys you stuff and it saves the future!  You cannot live in love alone.  Love doesn’t feed you, it usually gives you indigestion.  Blame it on the butterflies in your stomach. Mwahahaha! (laughing ala Ursula the Sea Witch)

To all those who greeted me through text message, Facebook or any other form or medium… a big hug, a wet kiss and warm thanks to all of you!

Sino ayaw ng pera? Aber!

Benchinko from the Universe

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Are you the type who would pick up a coin resting on the sidewalk – diez, cinco, benchinko or mamera?

For the past 4 decades of my life, I never bothered laying claim to those abandoned piece of hard metal lying on the streets used as a token for trade and commerce.  I always thought that a dropped coin of little monetary value left lying on sidewalks for considerable amount of time are just too small a denomination for me to bother picking up.

With a fusion of magnanimous laziness, lack of interest and altruism, I have always left sidewalk “barya” (coins) for someone else to pick-up.  Moreover, it takes up extra space in my pocket!

But while I was taking my usual cigarette break at the patio area of my unit this morning, I strangely found and saw a “benchinko” (25 centavo coin) lying on the floor.  I stay at the 24th floor of a building and there must be no way for a stranger to drop this coin.

I picked it up!  This is when I realized that a hit-upon coin lying on a floor or a sidewalk is a small gift from the universe.  Passing up a dime, a quarter or a penny shows lack of appreciation about unexpected positive energy.  It is like failing to acknowledge little surprises of life’s state of affairs.

It’s important to appreciate small things and be grateful about it.  By picking up an abandoned coin on sidewalks, we gratefully receive what the universe is bestowing us even if it is of miniscule size, range and magnitude.

And so from now on, I’ll always pick up those diez, cinco, benchinko or even mamera.

Iipunin ko ang mga yan tapos ibo-blo awt ko kayo!

Strenuous Holiday Rush

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With all the chores that I need to accomplish

With all the party revelries that my delicious presence compels to grace

With all the dreaded road traffics that I destined to endure

With all the unanticipated gifts that I still need to purchase

With all the stressful deadlines that I must carry out

With all the catch-up dinners and luncheons I opt to attend

With all the surprising presents that I have to wrap

With all the Love and Peace that I ought to give

It seems that the time today until the big Christmas Day is not enough

I am suddenly wishing that there are 48 hours in a day

And it looks like the only thing I will do when merry Christmas day comes is SLEEP and will  only wake-up on December 26.

Nakaka-ubos ang Pasko. Ang aybags ko may tatak ng LV!

A Whopping Over Sized Thanks

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Failing to express gratitude is like wrapping a present that will never be given away.

It’s official.  Last November 24, I have been in this human body for a period of 14,610 days. I can proudly say that I have not been too dumb and have fallen behind the pack.  I can proudly say that I have not been fiercely too bright to the point of being noxiously arrogant.  I was just right smack in the middle.  And for the next 14,610 days, I will still do my best to live a balanced, calm and focused life.  With God’s grace and assistance I will remain to be in-charge of my life with wonder and enthusiasm.

The personal birthday greetings I received during the week of my birthday were just overwhelming.  It really felt like you (my family, friends and colleagues) were just arms away.  I may not have won the lotto whose grand prize was the highest in the country’s history last November 24 (no one did) but it felt like I was triumphant in building a priceless personal relationships with people.  Because of this, let me express my deepest whopping over-sized thanks to all of you…

At tama kayo sa sinabi nyo’ng delisyus, makinis, gordyus at yami ako.

My Dove Man

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While wasting time and lazing around in my living room, I learned through a TV ad that Dove has an on-going promo which challenges folks to write an essay or testimonial about their Dove Man.  I am still mustering full courage to send this short essay and hoping that this could be a possible entry.  Instead of sending it, I obviously posted it here in this virtual journal.  Here’s how it goes…

He is the man who taught me the second half of the alphabet.  He is the one who made me aware about the existence of pomade.  He always summons me to buy Rubie blade in the nearby neighborhood store when his shaver’s blade is already dull.

He is Joe, my father who worked hard in the Middle East for more than 10 years to financially buttress me and my siblings’ studies. He left for Saudi Arabia to work when I was still a kid.  Yes, my father was one of the first batches of Pinoys who worked as an OFW.  I even used his Pan Am airline bag he received as a giveaway in one of his flights back to Manila as my schoolbag when I was in Grade 3 until Grade 4.

Before the word Balikbayan Box was coined here in the Philippines, we were already receiving imported goods sent by my father via door-to-door delivery service.  Nengkoy never purchase corned beef and bath towels from the local department stores since Joe always made sure that these items are always included in his parcel of goodies.  Our coffee was either Taster’s Choice, Sanka or Maxwell House.  Our shampoo was either Suave or Head & Shoulders.  Our chocolates were Toblerone, Baby Ruth and Kisses.  Nengkoy never misses to receive tubes of Ben Gay for her physical aches and pains and huge containers of Ponds and Oil Of Olay for her beauty regimen.

Joe’s Katas ng Saudi (products of hard work, blood, sweat & tears) package will not be complete without the bath soap.  Dove.  Multiple bundled bars of Dove bath soaps are the ones that complete the entire package.  Honestly, through the years, I may have tried other bar soaps that lather my gorgeous body.  But let me confess that when it comes to bath soaps, Dove is the first brand that enters my mind.  I admit that the foundation of my childhood’s soft silky skin is because of Dove.  Thanks to Tatay Joe my loving father.

Actually, while I was growing up I actually know that Dove is a bar of soap not a bird.  Because for me the English translation of the Filipino word kalapati was pigeon.  This is all because of Joe, my Dove Man.

Siguro malaking tsansang manalo ko sa patimpalak na yan… Hahaha!

Kulangot Monologue

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Kulangot.  Let me say it again, ku…la…ngot…  Kulangot is a byproduct of mucus.  It’s a dried-up snot otherwise known as booger in English.  It is like a wild exotic fruit that needs some time before it can be appropriately harvested.  It needs time to grow and cultivate in an appropriate size so that it will be easy for picking.

If my kulangot was an event in the Philippine history what would it be? It would be the inhabitation of man inside the Tabon cave last 22,000 B.C.

What I like about my kulangot are the many functions that it serves for my body.  But what I don’t like about my kulangot are the many functions it serves for my body. It’s like a two way street with only one lane.

If my kulangot was an astronomical body floating into space, what would it be?  It would be a gentle sloping molten meteor covered in snow, pure and pristine yet cold and unwelcoming. Or a humongous asteroid that shoots down to earth and kills an entire continent.

In a dating game arena, my gentle and loving booger though very clingy is constantly in the playing-hard-to-get field.  It’s like a porcupine whose quills stand up on end when on the defense of being picked up.

If my booger was a movie, what would it be?  It would be The Blob or Escape From Alcatraz or King Kong.  If my kulangot was a famous movie line, what would it be?  It would be the line uttered by Maximus Decimus Meridius in the movie Gladiator… “I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Boogers can be squishy and slimy or tough and crumbly. Everybody gets them, so they’re not a big deal. In fact, boogers are a sign that your nose is working the way it should!

May tadyak, batok at sapak ang nagsasabing di sya kinukulangot.