Month: March 2009

Summer Queen 2009

I never thought that I would be the program emcee in the first gay pageant that I would personally watch and witness.

Unlike the usual relay competitions, parlor games, team building events and other outdoor physical activities held during the annual summer outing by various companies around the country, the support service units of the company I’m presently working with decided to stage a unique and unusual program.  Held in the hot spring resorts capital of Pinas (Pansol, Laguna) we had a gay beauty pageant and named it Ms. Summer Queen 2009.

The program was a big blast, bringing all my co-employees to laught out loud and literally roll on the floor because of the side-splitting antiques presented by the schizophrenic drag queen candidates.  There were only 5 participants but seeing them transmogrified in a totally different form was unexpectedly hilarious.

Gerard was nymphetty pretty, Leo (the crowned winner) was surprisingly stunning.  Red was such a contrarian by being slutty yet charming.  Sofie was the archetype representation of ferocious sophistication.  By the way, not all candidates were gay.  There was Pekto who joines, cross-dressed and morphed to look like an androgenous lady.  He added more to the riot, unmindful in flashing his scary huge tattooes on his forearms, shoulders and upper torso.

I don’t give a rat’s ass about how other companies’ reaction on us changing the usual concept and traditional outdoor summer activities.  The wacky pageant made our summer outing this year unique and like no other.

As for my emceeing, I considered it the toughest hosting stint I ever had for I need to contain and control my laughter while the program is running.

Mapapa-utot ka talaga sa katatawa! 

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Pinay Raping Pinas

March 17, 2009 was the day when a Filipina raped the Philippines.  This was the day when ‘Nicole” (the Pinay who shouted rape accusing American soldier Daniel Smith in November 1, 2005) recanted her testimony.  She released an affidavit stating that she is no longer sure if she was actually raped or was an intoxicated and uninhibited willing party to a hot sexual encounter inside a van in Subic.

As every Pinoy knows, the poor American soldier was sentenced to reclusion perpetua or a minimum of 20 years imprisonment.  During the height of the murky investigation, the Philippines no doubt became united in backing-up and supporting the pronouncement of their fellow Pinoy even if the testimony of ‘Nicole’ were spotty.  Filipinos were very emotional in shouting justice for the poor helpless Pinay.  That is why when the verdict was released, the Filipinos demonstrated euphoria exclaiming that justice is still alive in the country.  She became an icon of the Philippines, victorious in collapsing the firm solid wall of Uncle Sam.

This is without us knowing that while all these brouhaha of nationalism is happening, our “poor and wounded” ‘Nicole’ is already raping the Philippines.  Ponder about mental trauma in twisted irony!  ‘Nicole’ was already dating another American soldier and is already planning and processing her American visa application.  ‘Nicole’ now is enjoying a full life in America with an American boyfriend breathing fresh American air.

Two things can be deduced out from these developments: ‘Nicole’ now is one of the most hated Pinays; and, Carlo J. Caparas (the movie/producer Czar of Pinoy massacre movies) now has the best material to revive his career.

Isang bonggang-bonggang batok para kay Nicole!

Makatang Oztralian

jesse, karen, joesel & me in oztralia
jesse, karen, joesel & me in oztralia

I have been receiving multiple correspondences from my Australian friends whom I would be with on my out-of-the-country trip this season.  The most notable message I have received is from Jesse Concepcion.  He has composed a precise Tagalog message for me and my other Aussie friends on how he should be addressed when sending him e-mail messages.

I am very impressed with the clear-cut Tagalog choice of words of Jesse which will make you doubt that he has been living Down Under.  What is good about his poetic attempt in the usage of the Pinoy language is his effortless capability to compose wacky and gut wrenching thoughts.  I even message him that he seems better in writing Tagalog than I am, when in fact, I am the one who is living here in this sardonic Tagalog-speaking country.

This led me to think of English words when directly translated into Tagalog would be nothing but foolish.  Here are some of the words which I tried translating in Tagalog…

  • Website : Sapot na Lugar
  • Good Cholesterol : Mabuting Sebo
  • Pot Session : Palayok na Pagpupulong
  • Out of Control : Labas ang Panggigigil
  • User Friendly : Manggagamit na Palakaibigan
  • Black Forrest Cake : Mamon sa Itim na Gubat
  • Call Boy : Tawagin si Boy
  • Microsoft : Maliit na, Malambot pa
  • Noted by: Nota Ni
  • Toothpaste : Kolgeyt

I’m sure Oztralian Jesse would have the precise translation for all these words.

Ito ay para sa nakamamanghang abilidad ni ginoong Jesse.

A Letter to Mestizo Consulado

Muy Señor Mio:

Buenas!

I learned through the internet that Filipinos are required to apply for a visa if he wishes to go to your country for either business or pleasure trip.  I learned that it will take me at least a month to process a tedious application for Spanish visa here in the Philippines due to a long list of document-requirements.

I felt betrayed when upon searching the internet I learned that other South East Asian nationals who don’t even have a speckle of Spanish heritage need not apply for a visa if they wished to go to Spain.  They are the lucky Singaporeans, the Malaysians and the people of Brunei Darussalam.

This made me wonder how come you prohibit allowing my automatic entry into your country when my Filipino ancestors even allowed your empire to replace their Indio surnames to Spanish last names even if they do not possess a single gene of Spanish blood.

I understand that your empire was kicked out of my country during the Spanish-American war in the latter part of 19th century.  But you should understand that it’s the Americans to blame and not us, the undeserving Filipinos.  I know Rizal my national hero hated you so much, but that was a long time ago and that was sparked due to the long standing heinous enslavement of my ancestors by that of your impious priests.  Nevertheless, you should be pleased that Rizal’s eternal novels, Noli and Fili, were written in Spanish.  You should be enlightened that Pinoy’s youth nowadays knows more about tennis star Rafael Nadal than that of Rizal.

It also kept me cogitate how come I am not allowed just to show up at the Madrid airport and just present a valid passport so as to enter your mestizo country.  I wonder why I need to have a prior visa when my country has been under your rule for 333 years, when my country’s name was named after your ruler who died of syphilis, when a big percentage of my spoken words were based on your confusing language, when it is considered chic and hip if a young Pinoy knows how to speak Spanish and when there is even “España” a major roadway in Manila where Asia’s oldest university is located and where I took my master’s degree.

Your utmost response of enlightenment will be truly appreciated.

Le Saluda atentamente,

Neil

P.S.  I was personally elated when Penelope Cruz, a Spanish national, won Best Supporting Actress in the recently concluded Oscar Awards.

Besos, besos, besos…

Recycled SMS – love it or hate it

I’m sure a lot of us have been a recipient of text messages that were sent by a person who also received the same message as sent by another soul who in turn also received it as sent by another sender, otherwise known as a recycled text message.  A recycled SMS could be a holiday greeting, an inspirational note, a crazy joke, a brain twister, an intelligent quotation or a romantic expression of love.  I personally appreciate receiving recycled messages from friends who cared to remember and even spent a couple of pesos worth of SMS.  I especially love those hilarious text jokes!

I have a lot of acquaintances and associates who would boast about their lover’s habit of sending sweet messages – some are even with designs and patterns – which are obviously unoriginal and recycled.  Moreover, there are a lot of people who would feel so exhiliratingly touched and electrifyingly smitten when they would receive a text message from their lover or significant other indicating how he/she loved, or missed or cared for by the sender without realizing that such were recycled.

People don’t know that re-used text message relaying an expression of intimate love for the receiver should be one big issue.  If you scrutinize deeper, you being the end receiver must actually get upset, troubled and distressed.  Plumes of smoke should waft out from your ears because the true source of this kind of message is a creature who also cares, loves and adores the sender (otherwise known as your lover).

Just imagine how did your lover come up with those digital birds and flowers in his/her text message or how in hell did your lover thought of those perfect set of intelligent words to express his/her love and devotion.  Ponder about infidelity in the first degree!  I believe only those with deep intellectual faculty would realize this.  The dynamics of recycled-text-message-sending relaying an intimate expression of love has yet to be realized by the general public, so think again before going bonkers when you’re a recipient of swee-nothing second-hand messages.

Hoy gising! Pinadala yan sa kanya ng iba tapos pinadala lang sa ‘yo.  Yun yon.

Nengkoy: Working-Girl Trivia

It’s Nengkoy’s 72nd birthday!  Here are some trivia about Nengkoy during her working-girl days…

1.  She was asked to recite 1 Our Father and 3 Hail Marys during a job interview.  When she did, she was hired right away.  Apparently, the interviewer was a priest.

2.  Being a trusted employee, she was the Treasurer of the company’s Labor Union. (unyunista ang lola mo!)

3.  She started working when she was 19 and retired in the same company when she reached 65 years old.  Thus, she worked for more than 40 years in the same company.

4.  During the early years of her working, she could buy a set of genuine jewelry (a ring, a necklace and a pair of earring) out from a month’s salary.

5.  She was considered hip and was envied by a lot of women during her working-girl days.  During that period, it is so rare for an unmarried lady to have a job.  It’s always the men who do work for a company.

6.  She was able to pay for the house and lot of Lola Teray and Lolo Pascual (her mom and dad) out from her earnings.

7.  Every single working day, she would wake up super early in the morning to prepare for a day’s work and leave the house at 5:00 a.m.

8.  She amassed numerous trophies for she was awarded the Most Valuable Player for several times during her company’s annual duckpin bowling tournament.

9.  Though she was a Duckpin MVP Queen, her favorite sports is not bowling, its Mahjong with Mareng Elvie, Mareng Luisita, Mareng Naty, Mareng Magda, Mareng Lovi and Mareng Titang to name a few (all her co-employees).

10.  She gave birth to the most delicious creature ever to step on planet Earth.  His name is Neil.

Happy Birthday Nanay!