“Mindful of the long queue behind you inside a convenience store, your fingers begin to scuttle inside your thin tapered pockets in search for loose change.  But you petered out the cashier’s luck and tell her you’re sorry because you don’t have the demanded coins.  And what you get for breaking the bad news is a bang of the cash register and an irritating frown from the cashier.”

This is what I hate most about convenience stores when you don’t have the exact amount of money for the items you bought and you have no choice but to hand over a large amount of bill.  I am a peaceful human being but when a cashier would give me such a bitchy look, I would just tell myself that she just have a bad hair day or a pathetic sex life.

They are called “convenience stores” for nothing if they unduly inconvenience their customers by making them worry whether a transaction may be closed for lack of smaller denominations.  It is the store’s obligation to accept my payment and give me the right amount of change and not to give me the inconveninece of unearthing nickels and dimes from the portals of my Gucci wallet.

Wala akong barya!

Airfares nowadays are as high as how the airplanes fly.  Aside from visa restrictions by a lot of nations, Filipinos are not that fortunate like other citizens to travel around due to high cost of airfares.

But one unique Filipino breed has yet to be discovered that will enable Pinoys to travel around the world at a very cheap price.  This is through the use of its own monsters called manananggal.

Only in the Philippines would you find and heard of a monster/creature that has the ability to fly.  Our remote rural areas are believed to house large populations of aswang – viscera-eating creatures with bad hairday.  One popular form of aswang is the mananaggal – a creature who split in half, grows leathery wings, and leaves their lower torso and legs on the ground while upper half goes hunting for live human flesh.

Since manananggal have the power to fly, this would solve the pressing problem of air transfport, which our country undoubtedly have one.

The Philippine government must realize that manananggal has other uses other than terrorizing the citizenry and being a nemesis in a lot of Pinoy-made movies.

A few months back, Fedex closed its operation in the Philippines to transfer to cheap and lower cost China resulting to the rising statistics of unemployed Pinoys.  This therefore is the opportunity for jobless Pinoys with manananggal genes to venture into air freight delivery service.

Banks can utilize the service of manananggal to safely transport their cash and other treasures from their branches going to their main office.  Transporting of these treasures by helicopter obviously means a lot of costs for the bank while via land transportation, the treasure is so exposed to bad elements lurking around the streets like holduppers and other more organized crooks.  Manananggal could also deter these bad elements for they could simply terrorize or eat them when they’ve gone hungry during their flight.  Eating the crooks could be considered an additional perk for dear manananggals.  They will surely deserve additional perks after a long tiring flight.  This is what you call a win-win situation.

The Philippines unlike other countries is composed of scattered islands and islets separated by seas.  Thus, transporting of goods and people are commonly done by sea vessels.  However, the Philippines at present holds the record for having the worst sea tragedy.  But through the service of manananggal, the country can prevent sea tragedies for these monsters can transport goods and people safely from one island to another.

When all these are found to be effective and successful, then, it would be more than appropriate to go international.  I’m sure international airlines would have big problems competing with the manananggal.

It’s safer, it’s cheaper, it’s cost effective and its even earth-friendly since these monsters need not use fossil fuels to fly.

If all these will be successful, this would be the start for Pinoy’s world domination.  I’m pretty sure all countries would allow Pinoys’ entry in their country without visa.  Otherwise, people of other nations who deny Pinoys’ entry in their country will simply become prey and dinner for these useful monsters.

One drawback though is the tendency for the manananggal to eat the passengers.  Nevertheless, a solution has been established.  Thanks to the movie “Twilight”.  The movie has instituted that monsters can turn to other living creatures other than human beings as their fresh meal.  Thus, as part of manananggals’ training is a required viewing of the movie before venturing into these scheme.

The coconut agriculture industry will also flourish if all these has come to realization and has been very successful.  It is believed that manananggal would bathe and massage their body with lana (virgin coconut oil) before they grow wings and their upper torso separates with the lower one.  At least, the oil they use are still organic and not the soon to be depleted fossil fuels.

So, to all manananggal, I suggest that you come out in the open and forward this proposal to Congress.  Its your time to shine and be recognized.  The country needs you now more than ever!

Go! Go! Go! Arghhh!

Schools’ vacation season has barely a month to go.  It has been a couple of weeks that wallets and purses of persevering parents has been on rest period.  However, expensive payment on school fees and “baon” will soon be reactivated.  Stop gaps are now being undertaken by socially-aware students not to allow increase in their fees for the upcoming school year by picketing onto the streets in front of the country’s education agencies.  What is so notable is that these youths who opted to bring their concern to the streets are without the support of the street parliamentary nuns and priests.

The only academic scheme Pinoys get hold of is public education.  The Church, the concrete and somewhat tangible supposed powers from Heaven has failed to act as a key figure of good basic education essential to Pinoy society.  It is so apparent that its inclination is for its own business enterprise by establishing and carrying out high-priced private education called Catholic school.

Though it is non-government institution, the so called Catholic schools mostly cater to the nation’s economic elite.  Catholic educators promote that they are in-charge of shaping the moral backbone of the next generation but this obviously has become very selective.  The cost of Catholic school education is so unreasonably pricey Pinoy families of the lower income bracket (which is the majority of the population) obviously cannot afford.

Aside from boosting on youth’s partaking on the sacramental life of a Catholic and study religion, its one societal advocary – since they’re into education business – is to improve the educational system in the country.  However, being one of the most powerful systems in Pinoy psyche they seem concentrated on watching over the beautification of its own little chapels in their respective campuses and busy scheduling the  next “retreat” of their blue-blooded students either in Tagaytay or in Baguio.

It can therefore be deduced that the Catholic Church even contributes to the sustenance in the gap between the rich and the poor of society.  The rich continues to be richly trained and the poor remains to be poorly educated.

Another irony about these schools is that it does not necessitate to be a Catholic in religion before a soul can enroll or study.  However, possesion of bazillions of pesos is absolutely a requirement no matter if your religion is Saksi Ni Batman.

“Keyr ko!” sabi ni monsignor.  Hala magagalit si Archbishop nito!

March 17, 2009 was the day when a Filipina raped the Philippines.  This was the day when ‘Nicole” (the Pinay who shouted rape accusing American soldier Daniel Smith in November 1, 2005) recanted her testimony.  She released an affidavit stating that she is no longer sure if she was actually raped or was an intoxicated and uninhibited willing party to a hot sexual encounter inside a van in Subic.

As every Pinoy knows, the poor American soldier was sentenced to reclusion perpetua or a minimum of 20 years imprisonment.  During the height of the murky investigation, the Philippines no doubt became united in backing-up and supporting the pronouncement of their fellow Pinoy even if the testimony of ‘Nicole’ were spotty.  Filipinos were very emotional in shouting justice for the poor helpless Pinay.  That is why when the verdict was released, the Filipinos demonstrated euphoria exclaiming that justice is still alive in the country.  She became an icon of the Philippines, victorious in collapsing the firm solid wall of Uncle Sam.

This is without us knowing that while all these brouhaha of nationalism is happening, our “poor and wounded” ‘Nicole’ is already raping the Philippines.  Ponder about mental trauma in twisted irony!  ‘Nicole’ was already dating another American soldier and is already planning and processing her American visa application.  ‘Nicole’ now is enjoying a full life in America with an American boyfriend breathing fresh American air.

Two things can be deduced out from these developments: ‘Nicole’ now is one of the most hated Pinays; and, Carlo J. Caparas (the movie/producer Czar of Pinoy massacre movies) now has the best material to revive his career.

Isang bonggang-bonggang batok para kay Nicole!

Muy Señor Mio:

Buenas!

I learned through the internet that Filipinos are required to apply for a visa if he wishes to go to your country for either business or pleasure trip.  I learned that it will take me at least a month to process a tedious application for Spanish visa here in the Philippines due to a long list of document-requirements.

I felt betrayed when upon searching the internet I learned that other South East Asian nationals who don’t even have a speckle of Spanish heritage need not apply for a visa if they wished to go to Spain.  They are the lucky Singaporeans, the Malaysians and the people of Brunei Darussalam.

This made me wonder how come you prohibit allowing my automatic entry into your country when my Filipino ancestors even allowed your empire to replace their Indio surnames to Spanish last names even if they do not possess a single gene of Spanish blood.

I understand that your empire was kicked out of my country during the Spanish-American war in the latter part of 19th century.  But you should understand that it’s the Americans to blame and not us, the undeserving Filipinos.  I know Rizal my national hero hated you so much, but that was a long time ago and that was sparked due to the long standing heinous enslavement of my ancestors by that of your impious priests.  Nevertheless, you should be pleased that Rizal’s eternal novels, Noli and Fili, were written in Spanish.  You should be enlightened that Pinoy’s youth nowadays knows more about tennis star Rafael Nadal than that of Rizal.

It also kept me cogitate how come I am not allowed just to show up at the Madrid airport and just present a valid passport so as to enter your mestizo country.  I wonder why I need to have a prior visa when my country has been under your rule for 333 years, when my country’s name was named after your ruler who died of syphilis, when a big percentage of my spoken words were based on your confusing language, when it is considered chic and hip if a young Pinoy knows how to speak Spanish and when there is even “España” a major roadway in Manila where Asia’s oldest university is located and where I took my master’s degree.

Your utmost response of enlightenment will be truly appreciated.

Le Saluda atentamente,

Neil

P.S.  I was personally elated when Penelope Cruz, a Spanish national, won Best Supporting Actress in the recently concluded Oscar Awards.

Besos, besos, besos…

I’m sure a lot of us have been a recipient of text messages that were sent by a person who also received the same message as sent by another soul who in turn also received it as sent by another sender, otherwise known as a recycled text message.  A recycled SMS could be a holiday greeting, an inspirational note, a crazy joke, a brain twister, an intelligent quotation or a romantic expression of love.  I personally appreciate receiving recycled messages from friends who cared to remember and even spent a couple of pesos worth of SMS.  I especially love those hilarious text jokes!

I have a lot of acquaintances and associates who would boast about their lover’s habit of sending sweet messages – some are even with designs and patterns – which are obviously unoriginal and recycled.  Moreover, there are a lot of people who would feel so exhiliratingly touched and electrifyingly smitten when they would receive a text message from their lover or significant other indicating how he/she loved, or missed or cared for by the sender without realizing that such were recycled.

People don’t know that re-used text message relaying an expression of intimate love for the receiver should be one big issue.  If you scrutinize deeper, you being the end receiver must actually get upset, troubled and distressed.  Plumes of smoke should waft out from your ears because the true source of this kind of message is a creature who also cares, loves and adores the sender (otherwise known as your lover).

Just imagine how did your lover come up with those digital birds and flowers in his/her text message or how in hell did your lover thought of those perfect set of intelligent words to express his/her love and devotion.  Ponder about infidelity in the first degree!  I believe only those with deep intellectual faculty would realize this.  The dynamics of recycled-text-message-sending relaying an intimate expression of love has yet to be realized by the general public, so think again before going bonkers when you’re a recipient of swee-nothing second-hand messages.

Hoy gising! Pinadala yan sa kanya ng iba tapos pinadala lang sa ‘yo.  Yun yon.

Last night I was bamboozled.  I was so distressed that I have to air out my confusion.  To help me alleviate my upheaval, I decided to do a little survey by sending text messages about my uncertainty.  This was the text message I sent that has kept me mystified all night…

“Question:  All countries seem to have a Chinatown, meron bang Chinatown sa China?”

And these are the crazy,outregeous and wicked answers I received from those who cared to ease the agonizing and stinging torture in my brain:

These are the top three answers:

‘Yan ang mga kaibigan ko… mga may sayad!

On a normal day right after waking up and say my humble little prayer, I would always try to stretch my delicious body while still lying on my Salem bed.  I would stand-up and get into my Speedo slippers to walk me inside my washroom to take a leak into my American Standard toilet bowl.  I would then look for my Eveready battery powered remote control to turn on my Sony colored TV to watch the early morning shows.  While the sound of the Sony TV emanates from my living room, I would turn-off my LG aircon and fix my Salem bed, Ingeo Fibers pillows and Family Home Sanitized comforter.

After a couple of minutes watching, I re-enter my bathroom to do number two on my American Standard.  Right after, I would take a shower and shampoo my hair using Rejoice and soap-up using Safeguard.  I use Nivea foaming wash for my face before rinsing with Maynilad water.  Using Sferra towel, I would dry myself up before brushing my teeth using Colgate toothpaste and Oral-B toothbrush.  I clean my ears with Purity cotton buds, shave my facial hair using Gillette Vector and put on Bausch & Lomb contact lenses.  I would sink between my teeth a good length of minted Oral-B dental floss and gargle with Listerine to further ensure a clean fresh breath.  While gargling, I would spread Nivea unto my underarm for the whole day’s odor protection and sweat control.

After steping out of the washroom, I would usually be caught between using either Zara or CK underwear.  I would spray a little of either Ralph Lauren, Salvatore Ferragamo or Giorgio Armani perfume before putting on Fissan foot powder and Guess black socks.  I would put on my Topman or Zara slacks paired with Van Heusen belt before slipping into either Aldo, Frank, Merger or Hush Puppies leather shoes.

A huge amount of time is spent trying to decide which shirt to wear either long sleeves from GAP or Celio or short sleeves from either Zara, People Are People or Merger.  My choice of Tie Line necktie would depend on the design of shirt I have chosen for the day.

Before stuffing my Nike gym bag with Adidas training shoes, Adidas shorts, Adidas socks, Adidas shirt, a Calvin Klein underwear, a Sferra towel and Body Shop shower gel for a Slimmers World International gym work out later in the afternoon, I would wipe-off my face and neck with a Cleene cotton damped with Nivea facial toner.  I would then fix my hair with Gatsby hair wax before wearing either my Kenneth Cole or Guess or Timex watch.

When time still allows, I would fix myself a quick breakfast by tossing two slices of Gardenia bread into Philips bread toaster and spread it with Dairy Cream Lite Butter.  I would gulp it down my tummy with Nestle low fat milk.  I would turn off all GE light fixtures and unplug unnecessary electricity-run appliances to make sure minimal Meralco electricity is running while I’m gone.

Finally, I would grab the Nike gym bag, my Nokia mobile phone and Yale keys atop the Whirlpool microwave oven placed on top of LG refrigerator and check if my Paul Smith wallet is in my back pocket before heading out of my unit.

Sarao ang ngalan ng jeep na sinasakyan ko papasok ng opisina.

Common seanse dictates that boyfriend with car is better than a boyfriend without one.  A car obviously allows mobility and freedom.  When shopping, the girl would not have to worry on how she will transport all the goodies she splurged on to her house.  At times she can make use of her boyfriend as an alalay (assistant) who would carry some of the goods.  She need not insist to make use of those gym biceps for a good purpose aside from just showing them of.

The girl need not worry about the traffic for she would even have longer hours bonding with her boyfriend inside the car.  She could enjoy a lunch in the breezy wind of Antipolo or have a lovely dinner in Alabang without worries on how to go home even if she lives in the northern most part of the metro.

Aside from no longer enduring with the terrible taxi drivers, she can arrive in a party looking fresh and beautiful.  She can go at any place without engulfing the polluted air of the city for she is spared to take a kamikaze jeepney ride.  She could gulp all the alcohol she would want and get crazy during a party for she got somebody who would bring her home even in the bluest hour of dawn.  At the same time maintain for her boyfriend to be sober during the party for he still needs to drive her home.

She could save a lot in transportation expense for she possesses not the whole car but the front passenger seat.  Moreover, in the eyes of dimwit people, a car-owning-boyfriend is always more goodlooing compared to non-owners no matter how freakazoid the guy looks like.

Still furthermore, the girl can sometimes find a reason why she cannot work longer hours in her job or study longer in the library since her “sundo” is already waiting for her outside the office or school building.

With all these benefits and advantages, girls sometimes are mesmerized and gone twisted of the actual feelings they have towards the boyfriend and towards themselves.  They tend to go on with the relationship for they would not want these benefit to disappear.

During arguments, they rather not risk showing their fury and sometimes wonder if the fighting is worth the trouble of commuting going to the next dream destination.  Sooner or later they tend to depend on the boyfriend so much they let major issues to go.  It’s like swallowing their pride for convenience sake.  They no longer know if they are actually in love with the boy or in love with the hatid-sundo set-up they enjoy.

Bakit ba nangingialam ako? Syet.

Now that I am a big child the word kalog is used to describe a person who is fun, hilarious and genuinely comical.  A person who is so kalog would be the type you would want to be with during a boring road trip, a dry party or a dull gathering.  They never seem to grow old and totally not a wallflower, they are considered to be the life of a party.

But when I was a small child the word kalog stands for something else.  Kalog is actually a game using at least three tansan (soda caps) shook together inside a loosely clasped hands of the player.  The style of shaking the tansans between both hands can sometimes be distinctive in nature for you can put your hands near your ear while shaking the tansans as if listening seriously onto the sound of the joggling soda caps.  After a sufficient time of shaking, the tansans are released towards the floor and the player claps his hand together making sure that the sound of single clap is concurrent with the sound of tansans smashing the ground.  You would determine the winner for each kalog by how the topside or underside of the soda caps settled on the floor.  The owner of the tansan with a surface (either topside or underside) that rested differently from the rest of the soda caps on the ground is considered the winner.

Kalog is a juvenile form of gambling similar to heads-or-tails game not to win money but to win any on-season-collectible that a child would want to amass.  An on-season-collectible is otherwise known as “uso” in Tagalog.

During my childhood days various silly goods would suddenly become the on-season-collectible which surprisingly swells its popularity without any media or adversitising agency announcement.  When kids are fed-up collecting such, its popularity would naturally conk away and a new collectible would arise.  Some of the uso to be amassed goods during my childhood were nothing like today’s generation collectibles like electronic toys or gadgets.  My childhood collectibles then were useless rubbish goods like soda caps, rubber bands, candy wrappers, teks (small playcards with printed storyboad clip), cigarette pack wraps and even salagubang (beetles).

Also, during my childhood days, a kid who amassed a great amount of on-season-collectible is being envied and is very popular among his cliques.  One way to accumulate all these collectibles is by playing kalog.

Tara kalog tayo! Ano bang uso?