Category Archives: demented thoughts

A Rare Birthday Celebration Suggestion

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luis

During the birthday dinner of my Ate Gaying at Nengkoy’s humble abode, she asked the members of Nengkoy’s dynasty on what would be a brilliant activity the family would like to do to celebrate her only child’s birthday.  Luis, my darkest dashing and school-heartthrob pamangkin, is celebrating his 15th birthday on July 12 but since it is a weekday, the family agreed to celebrate it on a weekend.  When it was my turn to air out my ideas, I presented two spectacular suggestions.

Option number 1 was for the whole clan to go to the long-been-neglected and dilapidated Manila Zoo.  I explained that it has been a long time since any of us has entered and witnessed this ancient zoo in the metropolis.  It would be a good chance for the whole family to see how the stinky elderly animals live their boring lives in captivity.

The second option, my personal choice, was the rarest which I believe no single soul in this planet has done to celebrate a birthday.  Option number 2 was for the whole clan to ride the crammed and jam-packed Manila Rail Transit (MRT) train from Pasay Rotonda station to North Avenue station in Quezon City then back!

The idea was for the whole family to get off the train and take photos (with wacky poses) of the whole group in every stop and station.  I’m sure these pictures will be posted in the private Facebook page of the family called Team Langit.  Clever and brain twisting parlor games will be played while the coach is running in between stations, one great game sample would be the classic Pinoy Henyo.

When the whole clan reached North Avenue station (the last station), Nengkoy and her descendants will be treated to a sumptuous afternoon meal catered either by susyal Cibo or mas susyal LaMer Catering.  The caterer’s set-up will not be in any of the dining venues inside the mall adjacent to North Avenue station but will be right there at the MRT station’s train landing (of course with the permission from MRT management).

After the lavish meal, the whole family will take the train ride back to Pasay Rotonda.  Since Pasay Rotonda station is only 10 minutes away from SM Mall of Asia, the whole tribe will proceed to this mall riding the luxurious Kuliglig (an urban jungle motorized pedicab).  To culminate the birthday dude’s celebration, the whole family will wait to watch for the mall’s spectacular weekend fireworks extravaganza!

O di ba kakaiba at magandang aydiya?! Adbans Happy Birthday Luis… : )

Alumnus of the Month

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I am so glad and honored that I could no longer contain my dignified silence.  Manila Tytana Colleges (formerly known as Manila Doctors College), my alma mater, has chosen me to be this month’s alumnus.  I am clueless about the college’s External Affairs’ criteria for choosing me but let me extend my deepest gratitude.

According to the e-mail notifying me about this recognition, a short narrative and a short-bond-paper sized photo of my delicious and drop dead body will be posted in one of the college’s bulletin board.

I don’t have the time to check out what the college has written, but I presume it would be something positive.  I just hope that they gave me the opportunity to write the short narrative about myself because this is what I want them to post on that bulletin board…

Our alumnus for the month of July is suffering from grandeur delusion.  He is living a life believing that he is delicious.  He supposes that he is so sumptuous that people wants to eat him.  Though his secret ambition in life is to become a sensational porn star, he climbed the ladder of success through power-mongering and was labeled the vice president from hell.

During his BS Psychology student days in the college, he was tagged as the scholar-zilla who constantly exhibits tantrums and emotional meltdowns.  He was the most annoying student during his time.  Irritating enough that he won’t answer any question during class but instead snivels, fells ill, bleats for mercy and acts like the victim.

His sense of humor sucks and has a dreadful taste in fashion.  His favorite movie actress is Bella Flores.

But seriously, let me extend my overwhelming gratitude to MTC or MDC or whatever future name you would be…

Sigurado ko,  kapag nabasa nila ‘to, tanggal sa bulletin bord ang pangalan ko…

Idiotic Anti-RH Bill Supporter

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Piolo Pascual (Negkoy's favorite)

Dear Legions of Anti-RH Bill Citizens of the Land,

I am with you.  I am writing you this letter to express my full support on your advocacy that the enactment of “Responsible Parenthood, Reproductive Health and Population and Development Act of 2011” otherwise known as RH Bill into law here in the Philippines should not be carried out.

After reading the whole content of the proposed bill, I realized that the guidelines will somehow control and slow down the growth of the country’s population.  The country is already densely populated and I’m sure you still want full increase in its inhabitants.

If this bill is passed into law, it will educate the populace about their choices on how to have the right number of people either via natural proper spacing of childbirth in the family or via contraception which will eventually slows down the great escalation of population

If population growth slows down, there will be fewer people to share on the already depleted natural resources of this country.  Of course, we don’t want that to happen, we hate natural resources!

If population growth slows down, it will result to planting of more trees at the available spaces of the land instead of building concrete residential subdivisions or squatter areas inhabited by the poor citizens of this country.  We want a concrete filthy jungle not a lush green environment.  Of course we don’t want that to happen, we hate trees!

If population growth slows down, it will result to lesser number of students per classroom.  Lesser number students per classroom will mean more focused learnings among the youth.  Lesser number of students in the classroom will discourage cheating among students during exams.  Of course we don’t want that to happen, we hate being too focused and being too intelligent!

If population growth slows down, it will result to lesser number of people queuing at the not so reliable MRT and LRT train stations.  Also, during the congested train ride, we want our faces digging into the stinky armpits of other passengers.  Thus, there will be lesser stink of body sweat in the metro.  Of course we don’t want that to happen, we love the asim smell of pawis!

If population growth slows down, it will result to lesser number of church goers and eventually lead to decreased monetary donations and stipend for our loving priests.  Even if the priests themselves do not procreate and the number one violator of their teaching that people should go forth and multiply, we exalt them.  Of course we don’t want that to happen, we so love the filthy rich priests of this land!

If population growth slows down, it will result to lesser number of Facebook users which will eventually lead to lesser number of Facebook connected friends. Of course we don’t want that to happen, we love Facebook!

Your Friend in Disaster,

Neil

Ayaw ko ng RH Bill na ‘yan kasi BALIW ako!

Cuaderno

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Regular schooling will re-open and start in less than a month.  In the 80’s it is the time of the year when me and my siblings are busy collating all unused pages of our previous school year’s notebooks and stitch it together to create a new but recycled cuadernos (notebooks).  Thanks to my Lola Teray who provided us with colorful strings which we used in binding.  This yearly recycling practice enables Nengkoy to purchase only few additional notebooks which we would use for the fresh school year.

During those days, what was so chic to have as cuadernos were those with covers of popular Pinoy celebrities – Maricel Soriano with William Martinez; Sharon Cuneta with Gabby Concepcion; Snooky Serna with Albert Martinez; and (of course the ever popular) Leni Santos and PJ Abellana!  I was one of those deprived with these modish cuadernos because Nengkoy always settle for the cheap notebooks with low-grade paper quality.

True enough, I never really envied those kids and classmates who had those notebooks with celebrities in the cover.  If I would be given a chance again to relive my life’s schooldays I would still stick on choosing those recycled left-over papers bunched together and transform it into useful storage of written knowledge and information. It’s personalized; its earth friendly, and, it’s a product of precious family bonding.

my present journal

Now that I am bigger, I no longer call cuadernos as notebooks but instead dub it as journals.  Para sosyal! And now that I am older and have an extra money to spend, I would gladly and instantaneously purchase a journal whose fine print cover would be the photos of two of the greatest antagonist legends in Philippine cinema – Paquito Diaz and Bella Flores.

Cuaderno sa Ispanish, nowtbuk sa Ingles, eh ano sa Tagalog?

(Sagot: Aklat ng Nota)

Shhh… Patay Ang Diyos!

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nengkoy's shhh

I am from Manila, probably the loudest city in the world.  But today is a totally different Manila.  It’s freaking quiet!  There literally are no cars on the streets, no ear splitting karaoke buzz emanating from households, the malls are closed and everybody is out of town.  Manila today is a dead zone.

For me, the most horrific day of the year is Good Friday.  It is scarier that Halloween and most horrendous than a Physics exam at school or a day you need to pay for household bills.  It is so petrifying because today is the day God died.

This fear has been inculcated in my moronic brain since childhood.  Since childhood as a tradition, today is the day that we couldn’t make noise before 3:00 PM because God is in misery and we couldn’t make noise after 3:00 PM because God is dead.

It is a common and ancient convention in our family’s compound in Pasay that we would receive fierce looks from the elders (starting with Lola Teray and Lola Anghiling) and say “Shhh! Patay ang Diyos!”, if you happen to have been the cause of any sound or noise.

This was fossilized into my deepest subconscious that up to this point, I made sure to zip my luscious lips all throughout the day.  This also made me terrified that if God is dead, then it connotes that evil spirits and other loathsome creatures wanders the entire planet lurking in the aparador or lying in wait sa ilalim ng kama (under the bed) ready to suck your blood or devour on little children.

Now that I am grown up, what really solidifies my red and while corpuscles is that horrifying monsters need not wait for Good Friday anymore.  They ramble and scramble the earth every single day and need not manifest in those horrible appearances like fangs, horns and tails with leathery wings on a bad hair day.  Today they wear ordinary clothing like that of a taxi driver, a street dweller or an office worker.   They may even be dressed in over-priced suits, drive luxury cars and live in opulent houses. They simply look like everybody else so you can’t identify them on sight.

Aswangs nowadays no longer sap and suck up your blood what they simply want is either: your hard-earned money, your livelihood or your reputation.

Makahulugang Biyernes Santo sa ating lahat…

The Word of the Day is… Hongsaya

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Hongsaya is the modern way of writing a Filipino phrase ‘ang saya’ meaning “it’s so fun”.  This is the usual way today’s youth would write their feelings of elation towards a certain situation, event or happening.

It is from the Filipino root word ‘saya’ meaning fun with an inflectional affix ‘hong’ to express a grammatical mood. ‘Hong’ on the other hand is a modern derivative of the Tagalog article ‘ang’ meaning ‘the’.  It is spoken in a loud yet low toned voice similar to Santa’s “Ho! Ho! Ho!” in which the intonation of the last syllable is uttered similar to that of shouting or howling.

This fresh contemporary and up-to-the-minute word can be transformed into a word-compounding process that would imply greater expression of not just simple fun but high degree of elation. You could write or say in a loud yet low toned voice: Hongsaya-saya!!!

Some examples of this modern prevailing word when used in a statement could be as follows:

  • Hongsaya-saya… parang magjowa lang!
  • Grabe, hongsaya aylavet!
  • Haler… Hongsaya-saya diba?

Wala nanaman akong magawa.  Sensya na…

Sana Umulan ng Pera

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me, nengkoy & 3 of my monster pamangkins

Last December 31 and January 1, a lot of people received lesser number of text messages as compared to same dates of previous years.  Sending a greeting via wall post on Facebook is more inexpensive and of course reached wider coverage.

Since everyone wished the classic peace, love and harmony among mankind this coming new year, I decided to be more practical in terms of my wish and greeting to everybody.  And since I own an extremely crazy blog, let me post the New Year greeting I sent via text message last December 31…

“Sana’y yumaman tayo at umulan ng pera sa taong 2011.

Happy New Year!!! “

I acknowledge that money is the root of all evil.  But I also recognize the glaring fact that having money is one important aspect to live a more normal, more secured and happier life this year and the years to come.  It pays the bills, it buys you stuff and it saves the future!  You cannot live in love alone.  Love doesn’t feed you, it usually gives you indigestion.  Blame it on the butterflies in your stomach. Mwahahaha! (laughing ala Ursula the Sea Witch)

To all those who greeted me through text message, Facebook or any other form or medium… a big hug, a wet kiss and warm thanks to all of you!

Sino ayaw ng pera? Aber!

Strenuous Holiday Rush

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With all the chores that I need to accomplish

With all the party revelries that my delicious presence compels to grace

With all the dreaded road traffics that I destined to endure

With all the unanticipated gifts that I still need to purchase

With all the stressful deadlines that I must carry out

With all the catch-up dinners and luncheons I opt to attend

With all the surprising presents that I have to wrap

With all the Love and Peace that I ought to give

It seems that the time today until the big Christmas Day is not enough

I am suddenly wishing that there are 48 hours in a day

And it looks like the only thing I will do when merry Christmas day comes is SLEEP and will  only wake-up on December 26.

Nakaka-ubos ang Pasko. Ang aybags ko may tatak ng LV!

Kulangot Monologue

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Kulangot.  Let me say it again, ku…la…ngot…  Kulangot is a byproduct of mucus.  It’s a dried-up snot otherwise known as booger in English.  It is like a wild exotic fruit that needs some time before it can be appropriately harvested.  It needs time to grow and cultivate in an appropriate size so that it will be easy for picking.

If my kulangot was an event in the Philippine history what would it be? It would be the inhabitation of man inside the Tabon cave last 22,000 B.C.

What I like about my kulangot are the many functions that it serves for my body.  But what I don’t like about my kulangot are the many functions it serves for my body. It’s like a two way street with only one lane.

If my kulangot was an astronomical body floating into space, what would it be?  It would be a gentle sloping molten meteor covered in snow, pure and pristine yet cold and unwelcoming. Or a humongous asteroid that shoots down to earth and kills an entire continent.

In a dating game arena, my gentle and loving booger though very clingy is constantly in the playing-hard-to-get field.  It’s like a porcupine whose quills stand up on end when on the defense of being picked up.

If my booger was a movie, what would it be?  It would be The Blob or Escape From Alcatraz or King Kong.  If my kulangot was a famous movie line, what would it be?  It would be the line uttered by Maximus Decimus Meridius in the movie Gladiator… “I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Boogers can be squishy and slimy or tough and crumbly. Everybody gets them, so they’re not a big deal. In fact, boogers are a sign that your nose is working the way it should!

May tadyak, batok at sapak ang nagsasabing di sya kinukulangot.