March 17, 2009 was the day when a Filipina raped the Philippines.  This was the day when ‘Nicole” (the Pinay who shouted rape accusing American soldier Daniel Smith in November 1, 2005) recanted her testimony.  She released an affidavit stating that she is no longer sure if she was actually raped or was an intoxicated and uninhibited willing party to a hot sexual encounter inside a van in Subic.

As every Pinoy knows, the poor American soldier was sentenced to reclusion perpetua or a minimum of 20 years imprisonment.  During the height of the murky investigation, the Philippines no doubt became united in backing-up and supporting the pronouncement of their fellow Pinoy even if the testimony of ‘Nicole’ were spotty.  Filipinos were very emotional in shouting justice for the poor helpless Pinay.  That is why when the verdict was released, the Filipinos demonstrated euphoria exclaiming that justice is still alive in the country.  She became an icon of the Philippines, victorious in collapsing the firm solid wall of Uncle Sam.

This is without us knowing that while all these brouhaha of nationalism is happening, our “poor and wounded” ‘Nicole’ is already raping the Philippines.  Ponder about mental trauma in twisted irony!  ‘Nicole’ was already dating another American soldier and is already planning and processing her American visa application.  ‘Nicole’ now is enjoying a full life in America with an American boyfriend breathing fresh American air.

Two things can be deduced out from these developments: ‘Nicole’ now is one of the most hated Pinays; and, Carlo J. Caparas (the movie/producer Czar of Pinoy massacre movies) now has the best material to revive his career.

Isang bonggang-bonggang batok para kay Nicole!

Muy Señor Mio:

Buenas!

I learned through the internet that Filipinos are required to apply for a visa if he wishes to go to your country for either business or pleasure trip.  I learned that it will take me at least a month to process a tedious application for Spanish visa here in the Philippines due to a long list of document-requirements.

I felt betrayed when upon searching the internet I learned that other South East Asian nationals who don’t even have a speckle of Spanish heritage need not apply for a visa if they wished to go to Spain.  They are the lucky Singaporeans, the Malaysians and the people of Brunei Darussalam.

This made me wonder how come you prohibit allowing my automatic entry into your country when my Filipino ancestors even allowed your empire to replace their Indio surnames to Spanish last names even if they do not possess a single gene of Spanish blood.

I understand that your empire was kicked out of my country during the Spanish-American war in the latter part of 19th century.  But you should understand that it’s the Americans to blame and not us, the undeserving Filipinos.  I know Rizal my national hero hated you so much, but that was a long time ago and that was sparked due to the long standing heinous enslavement of my ancestors by that of your impious priests.  Nevertheless, you should be pleased that Rizal’s eternal novels, Noli and Fili, were written in Spanish.  You should be enlightened that Pinoy’s youth nowadays knows more about tennis star Rafael Nadal than that of Rizal.

It also kept me cogitate how come I am not allowed just to show up at the Madrid airport and just present a valid passport so as to enter your mestizo country.  I wonder why I need to have a prior visa when my country has been under your rule for 333 years, when my country’s name was named after your ruler who died of syphilis, when a big percentage of my spoken words were based on your confusing language, when it is considered chic and hip if a young Pinoy knows how to speak Spanish and when there is even “España” a major roadway in Manila where Asia’s oldest university is located and where I took my master’s degree.

Your utmost response of enlightenment will be truly appreciated.

Le Saluda atentamente,

Neil

P.S.  I was personally elated when Penelope Cruz, a Spanish national, won Best Supporting Actress in the recently concluded Oscar Awards.

Besos, besos, besos…

I’m sure a lot of us have been a recipient of text messages that were sent by a person who also received the same message as sent by another soul who in turn also received it as sent by another sender, otherwise known as a recycled text message.  A recycled SMS could be a holiday greeting, an inspirational note, a crazy joke, a brain twister, an intelligent quotation or a romantic expression of love.  I personally appreciate receiving recycled messages from friends who cared to remember and even spent a couple of pesos worth of SMS.  I especially love those hilarious text jokes!

I have a lot of acquaintances and associates who would boast about their lover’s habit of sending sweet messages – some are even with designs and patterns – which are obviously unoriginal and recycled.  Moreover, there are a lot of people who would feel so exhiliratingly touched and electrifyingly smitten when they would receive a text message from their lover or significant other indicating how he/she loved, or missed or cared for by the sender without realizing that such were recycled.

People don’t know that re-used text message relaying an expression of intimate love for the receiver should be one big issue.  If you scrutinize deeper, you being the end receiver must actually get upset, troubled and distressed.  Plumes of smoke should waft out from your ears because the true source of this kind of message is a creature who also cares, loves and adores the sender (otherwise known as your lover).

Just imagine how did your lover come up with those digital birds and flowers in his/her text message or how in hell did your lover thought of those perfect set of intelligent words to express his/her love and devotion.  Ponder about infidelity in the first degree!  I believe only those with deep intellectual faculty would realize this.  The dynamics of recycled-text-message-sending relaying an intimate expression of love has yet to be realized by the general public, so think again before going bonkers when you’re a recipient of swee-nothing second-hand messages.

Hoy gising! Pinadala yan sa kanya ng iba tapos pinadala lang sa ‘yo.  Yun yon.

Last night I was bamboozled.  I was so distressed that I have to air out my confusion.  To help me alleviate my upheaval, I decided to do a little survey by sending text messages about my uncertainty.  This was the text message I sent that has kept me mystified all night…

“Question:  All countries seem to have a Chinatown, meron bang Chinatown sa China?”

And these are the crazy,outregeous and wicked answers I received from those who cared to ease the agonizing and stinging torture in my brain:

These are the top three answers:

‘Yan ang mga kaibigan ko… mga may sayad!