Cobre Cama

After an epoch and a half, I suddenly felt the urge to change my bed sheets.  While tucking the seams of the sheets, like a virus awakened from hibernation in the deepest recess of my cranial cavity, I suddenly realized that almost all mothers in the Philippines changed the bed sheets of their kids last November 2.

This is attributed to the Pinoy belief that kids who play with fire like a lighted candle will end up suffering from nocturnal enuresis (peeing on bed while deeply asleep).  Trooping and spending a considerable amount of time at the cemetery is no fun if you as kid is not permitted to collect thawing wax and form it into a ball from the melting lighted candles that were lit on the tombs of the departed loved ones every November 1.  In the Philippines every November 1 at the cemetery, a kid’s coolness and savvy-ness is measured by the size of the collected ball of wax.

Though there is no scientific and empirical study on how playing with fire is directly connected to a child’s urinary bladder, let me impose my own particular explanation.  Kids during the Day of the Dead (November 1) are so engrossed in waiting for the lighted candles to melt for them to collect the liquefying wax.  Kids would not have the time and opportunity to go to a lavatory for them to release their excess in bodily fluid.  They would not want to lose the opportunity to collect the melted wax since another kid (a cousin, a sibling or a kid from an adjacent or nearby tomb) may also be eyeing to collect these melting wax from lighted candles.  Also, kids would not want to pee, do something else or walk away from the lighted candles since a melted wax easily solidifies and would be difficult to bend and glue-in into the increasing ball of wax.

With this rationalization, we can therefore conclude that there is a direct mutuality between the diameters of the collected ball of wax and that of the child’s urinary bladder.  The bigger the collected ball of wax results to bigger bloated urinary bladder.  This ends up to bed wetting which in turn also results to their mother’s changing of Cobre Cama (bed sheet) early in the morning the following day.

Susmaryosep! Nagpalit lang ng kobre kama, ang dami ng sinabi. Hmp!

Sa Bukid Walang Papel

I was walking on green fields and leaping through the flowery groves while the raise of the sun is mellowing…  It was an enormously divine green field of dreams…  I smelled the grassy breeze of air and felt the undisturbed delight of the snow capped mountain ranges above…  I was sweetly smiling for experiencing the charming breath of heaven… But I was aware that I was just lucidly dreaming.

I was awakened by the rumbling of my stomach.  With drooping eyes and remnants of dissipating sweet dream on my mind, I went straight to my toilet.  After some intense abdominal and intestinal twisting, wringing and extraction, like a typical Filipino that I am, I reached for my “tabo” (dipper) to soap and wash my posterior end.

With heavy and still half-opened eyes, I reached for the toilet paper dispenser but there was none in it only the cardboard roll was left.  This is when I realized like the controversial Filipino bathroom tissue TV commercial that in lovely and dreamy green fields there is no tissue paper.  That’s when I fully woke up!

Sa bukid walang papel. Uyyy! Ikiskis mo sa pilapil! Uyyy!

Alpha Kenny Body

To prove that I am such a horrible monster and my demeanor is despicable read this fast and aloud! Actually, this will get your mind off things… Now read it.  Aloud!

Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body

Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body

Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body, Alpha Kenny Body

Yung mas mabilis pa! Eowww!

The Tragic Sales of Nail Cutters and Key Chains

nail cutter-cum-key chain-cum-bottle opener coutesy of edwin santos

While cutting my fingernails I suddenly realized that sales of key chain and nail cutters are most probably on its peak here in the Philippines and may be at its lowest ever in Hong Kong history.  This is maybe because there are few Pinoys who would dare visit and go to Hong Kong now since the wounds from the recent Manila August 23 hostage tragedy has yet to fully heal.

Very few Pinoys would have the courage to tour Hong Kong now, thus, there are few Pinoy tourists who would buy the two of the cheapest yet most popular souvenir trinkets available in the streets of Hong Kong.  These are either the key chain or the nail cutter or the two-in-one nail-cutter-key-chain kind.  I have been a usual recipient of these pasalubong-s (presents) from friends who had short visit to Hong Kong an astonishing reason why I don’t need to buy it here in the Philippines.

O sha na.  Mahaba na ang kuko ko.

HIGHlarious Product of Temporary Insanity

Here’s a product of my temporary insanity last weekend.  I used pictures of my loving parents (Joe and Nengkoy) to create this video.  I initially posted it in Team Langit, an exclusive Langit Family account in Facebook.  It took me a couple of dollars to purchase the basic video where I super imposed the pictures of my mom and dad.

While pasting the photo faces of my parents during their younger years I couldn’t stop laughing.  And when the final product of the video was finished, it gave me pure joy and HIGHlarious feelings!  Don’t get me wrong, but I love my parents so much…

Aylavet!!!

What If Ninoy…

With today’s commemoration on the death anniversary of Ninoy Aquino Sr., the incredible modern day Filipino hero, have you ever wondered what if Ninoy did not decide to come home to the Philippines exactly 27 years ago?  What if Ninoy chose to stay in the US, enjoy the Boston hospitality and settle for a more peaceful life with his family on American soil?

These are some of my freaking thoughts…

  1. The image of Ferdinand Marcos is on the Philippine 500 peso bill;
  2. MIA (Manila International Airport) would have not been changed to NAIA but will remain MIA but with a different denotation, i.e. Marcos International Airport
  3. Cory would have not been the 11th president of the republic but Imelda
  4. Pido Dida movie starring the late Rene Requiestas and Kris would have not been a blockbuster
  5. Noynoy would have not been the 15th president of the republic but Bong Bong
  6. Imee would be the partner host of Boy Abunda in The Buzz and the she is the present host of Pilipinas Win Na Win
  7. Cager James Yap would not be in a whirlwind situation right now and should be enjoying a life with his son whose mother is not the self-absorbed Kris
  8. Imee would have been the Queen of All Media but not the tactless, conniving and calculative kind who would do anything just to stay in the spotlight
  9. The great, crucial and momentous People Power is a non-existent type of revolution in this country
  10. I would have not been writing this blog

Ano nga kaya?

Manila Doctors College Appalling Appelations

Being an alumnus, I was saddened to learn from the grapevine that the present officers of Manila Doctors College have plans of changing the name of the school.  According to the outrageous rumor, the executives are contemplating on changing the name because the degree courses to be added are not going to be “health related” anymore.

If the gossip is true, I don’t know what in the world were the present high and mighty magistrates of MDC are thinking that the word ”doctor” is a word only related and limited to health.  According to Wikipedia, the word doctor is a title that is accorded to someone who has received a doctorate degree.  It is a textbook case that a doctorate degree is conferred to persons not only in the health-related field, these MDC chieftains themselves maybe Doctors of Education or Theology which may not in any way be related to the medical field.

Dr. Valentina Vrandakapoor, my favorite doctor is not even a physician.  Dr. Valentina, the Queen of the Reptiles and the most notorious nemesis of Darna earned her PhD in Reptilian Zoology!

A co-alumnus upon learning about the buzz even suggested that graduates from MDC create a united body to air its concern of not changing the school’s name otherwise all hell breaks loose.  I in contrary suggested that we might as well recommend a new possible name of Manila Doctors College in which the acronym MDC should remain.  This will at least warrant the new name to still start with the M, D and C acrostics.  I was even willing to treat a dinner to the person with the best name suggestion.  Here are some of my twisted name entries:

  • Manila Dementia College
  • Madyohong Dyutay College
  • Matudnila Dudung College
  • Mahal Dito College
  • Mashonget Ditey College
  • Mahalia Dyakson College
  • Manila Dyologs College

Here are Karen Batangan’s mind-boggling suggestions:

  • Mukang Datung College
  • Magiging Dukhang College
  • Mega Dyologs College
  • Moron Doon College
  • Makakating Datan College
  • Meganung Dakuykuy College
  • Mwahahaha Dahaaaakk College!

Totoo kaya ang tsismis?  Si Doctor Love nga hindi naman pisishan pero doctor…

There Must Be Something In The Water

Aside from having its distinct language, the Filipinos are so unique in living its life as compared to other dwellers of this planet.

  1. Except for the feathers, we practically eat every part of the chicken: helmet (the head), leeg (neck), balunbalunan (gizzard); betamaks ( coagulated blood), isaw (intestines), adidas (feet).
  2.  We enjoy sipping softdrinks through a plastic straw contained in a cellophane as poured and transferred from the original bottle.
  3. We eat fresh pineapples dipped into bagoong (hot and salty sauted shrimp paste)
  4. Practically almost all Pinoys have cellphones; have access to the internet; can ride airconditioned trains, buses and taxis; can have electronic bank transactions; got 24/7 convenience stores; can obtain cheap airline tickets; etc. but we have yet to hear a Pinoy being interviewed on TV admitting that life is better now than a couple of years ago.
  5. A dramatic movie is no good without the sampalan (face-slapping) scene.
  6. We have the habit of interchanging “I” and “O” to “E” and “U” respectively.  (Examples are those dirty writings on the walls of Manila: Potang Ena Mu, Bawal umehi detu! May Molta!!!)
  7. Our spaghetti’s main ingredient is hot dog and sweet banana ketchup.
  8. Shoppers cannot see the naked toes of the sales ladies though they are required wear open-toed shoes because of the stockings they are wearing.
  9. We have the inclination of adding the letter H in our name (Example: from “Berting” to “Vherto” or “Gemma” to Ghemmah”)
  10. Everybody would not want to take the last piece of food on the serving plate.  Thinking that it is so un-cool and a sign of poverty stricken life otherwise known as being “dead-hungry” (patay-gutom).
  11. Foot-bridges are practically of no use but lodging areas of solvent-intoxicated souls.
  12. We have the liking for sweat excretions being printed on our vehicles — Katas ng Saudi; Katas ng Dubai; Katas ng Oman
  13. We know that bribery is a norm and it is uncomplicated to deal with a fixer than a legitimate but pain-in-the-butt public servant.
  14. Though we do not have winter but male celebrities in live variety shows on TV are always wearing jacket even if it is swelteringly hot and humid!
  15. We often witness that the streets are sometimes transformed into makeshift memorial chapels or funeral parlors.
  16. We hate other nations when we Filipinos are being discriminated abroad but we are incautious when we call a black man “Negro” or a  no-show fellow as “nang-Indian” or a mortal with body odor being “Amoy Bombay”.

Walang kakupas kupas…

Don’t Like What I Write Like

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

This worries me…  According to I Write Like, I write like Dan Brown.  I know that my writing style is better than Mr. Brown.  With smoke-wafting ear, let me announce my formal declaration of protest to this time-wasting viral statistical analysis computer software by Coding Robots!!! Dan Brown’s writing is merely a caricature.  My writing is not a caricature! It’s a bedlam lampoon!!! Hmpft!

 Yabang ko.

Panghilod Movie Scene

You will look for a lover who is sexier and better looking than your ‘ex’ so that next time you bump into each other you can proudly hang yourself to the shoulders of your new partner.  However, you wouldn’t know if you would laugh or cry or be angered because the new significant other of your ‘ex’ is flabby and hideous. 

Then you will run unto the rain and when you enter your house drenched, you will go straight to your shower.  You slowly slide onto the bathroom tiles while scouring your skin with a stone-body-scrubber.  While intensely shedding buckets of tears and significant amount of epidermal membrane because of scrubbing, you deliriously utter the words “Ang dumi-dumi koooh… Ang dumi-dumi koooh…” (I’m so dirty… I’m so dirty…)

For sure using stone-body-scrubber (otherwise known as ‘batong panghilod’) usually found on stony sea shores will be more notably dramatic than using loofah, squished nylon net, plastic body brush with handle or face towel.

Hahaha! Wala lang.  Trip lang!