On a normal day right after waking up and say my humble little prayer, I would always try to stretch my delicious body while still lying on my Salem bed.  I would stand-up and get into my Speedo slippers to walk me inside my washroom to take a leak into my American Standard toilet bowl.  I would then look for my Eveready battery powered remote control to turn on my Sony colored TV to watch the early morning shows.  While the sound of the Sony TV emanates from my living room, I would turn-off my LG aircon and fix my Salem bed, Ingeo Fibers pillows and Family Home Sanitized comforter.

After a couple of minutes watching, I re-enter my bathroom to do number two on my American Standard.  Right after, I would take a shower and shampoo my hair using Rejoice and soap-up using Safeguard.  I use Nivea foaming wash for my face before rinsing with Maynilad water.  Using Sferra towel, I would dry myself up before brushing my teeth using Colgate toothpaste and Oral-B toothbrush.  I clean my ears with Purity cotton buds, shave my facial hair using Gillette Vector and put on Bausch & Lomb contact lenses.  I would sink between my teeth a good length of minted Oral-B dental floss and gargle with Listerine to further ensure a clean fresh breath.  While gargling, I would spread Nivea unto my underarm for the whole day’s odor protection and sweat control.

After steping out of the washroom, I would usually be caught between using either Zara or CK underwear.  I would spray a little of either Ralph Lauren, Salvatore Ferragamo or Giorgio Armani perfume before putting on Fissan foot powder and Guess black socks.  I would put on my Topman or Zara slacks paired with Van Heusen belt before slipping into either Aldo, Frank, Merger or Hush Puppies leather shoes.

A huge amount of time is spent trying to decide which shirt to wear either long sleeves from GAP or Celio or short sleeves from either Zara, People Are People or Merger.  My choice of Tie Line necktie would depend on the design of shirt I have chosen for the day.

Before stuffing my Nike gym bag with Adidas training shoes, Adidas shorts, Adidas socks, Adidas shirt, a Calvin Klein underwear, a Sferra towel and Body Shop shower gel for a Slimmers World International gym work out later in the afternoon, I would wipe-off my face and neck with a Cleene cotton damped with Nivea facial toner.  I would then fix my hair with Gatsby hair wax before wearing either my Kenneth Cole or Guess or Timex watch.

When time still allows, I would fix myself a quick breakfast by tossing two slices of Gardenia bread into Philips bread toaster and spread it with Dairy Cream Lite Butter.  I would gulp it down my tummy with Nestle low fat milk.  I would turn off all GE light fixtures and unplug unnecessary electricity-run appliances to make sure minimal Meralco electricity is running while I’m gone.

Finally, I would grab the Nike gym bag, my Nokia mobile phone and Yale keys atop the Whirlpool microwave oven placed on top of LG refrigerator and check if my Paul Smith wallet is in my back pocket before heading out of my unit.

Sarao ang ngalan ng jeep na sinasakyan ko papasok ng opisina.

Common seanse dictates that boyfriend with car is better than a boyfriend without one.  A car obviously allows mobility and freedom.  When shopping, the girl would not have to worry on how she will transport all the goodies she splurged on to her house.  At times she can make use of her boyfriend as an alalay (assistant) who would carry some of the goods.  She need not insist to make use of those gym biceps for a good purpose aside from just showing them of.

The girl need not worry about the traffic for she would even have longer hours bonding with her boyfriend inside the car.  She could enjoy a lunch in the breezy wind of Antipolo or have a lovely dinner in Alabang without worries on how to go home even if she lives in the northern most part of the metro.

Aside from no longer enduring with the terrible taxi drivers, she can arrive in a party looking fresh and beautiful.  She can go at any place without engulfing the polluted air of the city for she is spared to take a kamikaze jeepney ride.  She could gulp all the alcohol she would want and get crazy during a party for she got somebody who would bring her home even in the bluest hour of dawn.  At the same time maintain for her boyfriend to be sober during the party for he still needs to drive her home.

She could save a lot in transportation expense for she possesses not the whole car but the front passenger seat.  Moreover, in the eyes of dimwit people, a car-owning-boyfriend is always more goodlooing compared to non-owners no matter how freakazoid the guy looks like.

Still furthermore, the girl can sometimes find a reason why she cannot work longer hours in her job or study longer in the library since her “sundo” is already waiting for her outside the office or school building.

With all these benefits and advantages, girls sometimes are mesmerized and gone twisted of the actual feelings they have towards the boyfriend and towards themselves.  They tend to go on with the relationship for they would not want these benefit to disappear.

During arguments, they rather not risk showing their fury and sometimes wonder if the fighting is worth the trouble of commuting going to the next dream destination.  Sooner or later they tend to depend on the boyfriend so much they let major issues to go.  It’s like swallowing their pride for convenience sake.  They no longer know if they are actually in love with the boy or in love with the hatid-sundo set-up they enjoy.

Bakit ba nangingialam ako? Syet.

Now that I am a big child the word kalog is used to describe a person who is fun, hilarious and genuinely comical.  A person who is so kalog would be the type you would want to be with during a boring road trip, a dry party or a dull gathering.  They never seem to grow old and totally not a wallflower, they are considered to be the life of a party.

But when I was a small child the word kalog stands for something else.  Kalog is actually a game using at least three tansan (soda caps) shook together inside a loosely clasped hands of the player.  The style of shaking the tansans between both hands can sometimes be distinctive in nature for you can put your hands near your ear while shaking the tansans as if listening seriously onto the sound of the joggling soda caps.  After a sufficient time of shaking, the tansans are released towards the floor and the player claps his hand together making sure that the sound of single clap is concurrent with the sound of tansans smashing the ground.  You would determine the winner for each kalog by how the topside or underside of the soda caps settled on the floor.  The owner of the tansan with a surface (either topside or underside) that rested differently from the rest of the soda caps on the ground is considered the winner.

Kalog is a juvenile form of gambling similar to heads-or-tails game not to win money but to win any on-season-collectible that a child would want to amass.  An on-season-collectible is otherwise known as “uso” in Tagalog.

During my childhood days various silly goods would suddenly become the on-season-collectible which surprisingly swells its popularity without any media or adversitising agency announcement.  When kids are fed-up collecting such, its popularity would naturally conk away and a new collectible would arise.  Some of the uso to be amassed goods during my childhood were nothing like today’s generation collectibles like electronic toys or gadgets.  My childhood collectibles then were useless rubbish goods like soda caps, rubber bands, candy wrappers, teks (small playcards with printed storyboad clip), cigarette pack wraps and even salagubang (beetles).

Also, during my childhood days, a kid who amassed a great amount of on-season-collectible is being envied and is very popular among his cliques.  One way to accumulate all these collectibles is by playing kalog.

Tara kalog tayo! Ano bang uso? 

I have read in a novel by Dan Brown entitled Deception Point that sea creatures served on our tables like shrimps, lobsters and crabs are closely related to land insects.  They belong in the same phylum arthropoda.  Actually, some scientists would consider these sea creatures as the insects of the sea.

In our generation, due to the shortage of food, various delicacies were developed so as to fill the empty stomachs of billions of people around the world.  Here in the Philippines it is now common that crickets and other similar land insects are served on our table, in which, these organisms start to get rare to the point of extinction due to humongous demands.

Let me guess that in due time, because of world hunger, I would not be surprised that other more common land arthropods around us will be eaten by the common people.  Let me suggest one good dish with a common and easy-to-generate arthropod with lots of benefits.

What about Ginatang Kuto (head lice in coconut milk)?  The main ingredient can be harvested from the sour smelling heads of the street children.  This may actually be one of the solutions to alleviate poverty.  Parents of these children would have lower water bills for they don’t have to wash their children’s hair so as to increase yield production of kuto.  At the same time they could save a lot on their daily shampoo expense.

Also, parents and grandparents can spend more time productively in other chores that can actually increase earnings (like cooking, selling or marketing the dish) because they need not spend their time on “hinguto sessions”.  Remember during our childhood days, our retired grandparents (mine was my lovely Lola Teray) would call us in the middle of a sunny afternoon when all of us kids were busy playing in the streets?  They would grab us firmly by our arm and would concentrate on our heads so as to start their scalp exploration and kuto hunting.  Mine was usually held at the stairs of my Lola Teray’s house.  I would sit a step lower than hers do that she could strategically locate thse mind-boggling kutos.

I wonder who on earth invented suyod!  Thanks to the ever reliable suyod – a specially made comb used to sweep away kuto from the scalp to hair ends – for this will be the device to use when harvesting the elusive arthropod.  This device will also perk-up the industry of suyod-making since there will be big demand in the market for the said hunting device.  Those employees affected by the closure of microchip factories due to economic breakdown can be transferred and assigned in the industrial plants who manufacture suyod, thus, generating more jobs in the country.

However, this new trade may cause for the parents to securely fasten their kids on the main post of their respective houses because there exist a common Pinoy belief that children with lots of kuto will be carried away on air and will be dropped to the mouth of the nearest volcano.

Nowt: di pwede sa mga bedyetaryan…

Ever wonder how topics stem-out and progress when you dine with your friends? It’s distinctly dissimilar to a business meeting where a formal agenda is prepared prior to conversation. The dynamics of conversation with friends is so fluid and surprisingly astonishing, it develops richer and deeper bond no matter how deep or shallow the subject being discussed. Every time our friend Joesel visits Manila, as much as possible we never fail to catch-up along with “friendship” Karen and Baby. Our wacky dinner last Saturday became more exceptional because Denton (the Australia-based boyfriend of Karen and our “usual tour-mate”) was with us. Here’s some short extracts of the things we chatted about to validate how fluid friendship conversations are…

Baby: Ano ready na ba ang wardrobe mo sa pag-ninong mo sa kasal?

Joesel: Yeah, ready na sya.

Karen: Ready na ang barong na may pop-up sleeves na mas mataas pa sa ulo

Neil: Wow! Naka-balintawak ang lola mo.

Joesel: Yung Ikakasal, short relationship lang yet they decided to get married

Karen: So ‘di pa masyadong magkakilala?

Joesel: Kimunusta ko sa ate ko yung lalaki.

Neil: Eh ano daw ang kilatis?

Joesel: Ayun, mukha daw mabait kasi mapula ang gilagid.

* * * * *

Karen: Katuwaan! Ano kaya kung kunin kitang ninang sa kasal ko?

Neil: That’s gonna be first. Imagine you will be the first ninang ever.

Karen: Sige na. Katuwaan lang.

Joesel: Bakit kelan ba kayo kakasal ni Denton?

Karen: Baka next year, 2010.

Denton: Sa Australia ha.

Karen: Ayoko dun, dapat dito.

Denton: Isa sa Australia. Tapos dito din.

Neil: Sige Joesel. Go! Pangalan ni Hilarry Clit ang nakasulat sa invitation.

Baby: Tapos mag gown si Joesel with matching hair extension

Neil: Ngek. Baka di sya papasukin sa simbahan.

Karen: Di naman malalaman na lalaki si Hillary.

* * * * *

Joesel: Yung brother-in-law ko kakasal naman next year

Karen: Bakit nakapag babang luksa na ba sya?

Joesel: Oo, next year pwede na. Ikakasal sya sa prinsesa.

Karen: Nakaupo sa tasa.

Joesel: Sila yung may-ari dati ng taniman ng Dole. Yung pinya.

Karen: Ah prinsesa ng pinyahan

Neil: Hinde. Prinsesa nakaupo sa pinya.

Baby: Ay, ang sakit nun. Tusok-tusok.

Ang bababaw talaga namin. As da seying gows… Syalow pipol ar hapiyer pipol.

Ever since I have been writing this blog my friends, relatives and even some anonymous people who accidentally came acroos my blog have been telling me comments and messages that they have been enjoying and were looking forward to reading what I would write about next.  On my part, I have been very flattered about the positive responses that I have been receiving.  For those who hate it, sorry for the inconvenience but I don’t have the intent yet of stopping this ridiculous writing.

Usually, my brain would just pop up an idea that I would write about (anything under the silly wicked sun).  But it has not been functioning lately.  Maybe it is because of too much fatty food I consumed during the holidays.  For the past few days I must admit that I have been experiencing a huge brain fart that I would not know what to write about to make this blog more interesting.

Sori pero medyo malakas ang utot ng utak ko ngayon…

It’s new year and every body is anxious on what lies ahead.  People are actually seeking aid from feng shui experts, fortune tellers, astrologers, mystics and clairvoyants.  For the business minded, their time has been dissipated contemplating on what business to put up in the year of the Ox.  Here’s a suggestion.  Why not put up a business of buy-&-sell?

What to buy and what to sell?  Answer: those gifts, presents and souvenirs given but left behind by exes.  Obviously, these items no longer have any significance, meaning or worth for it is only a reminder of an awful relationship that never worked.  For sure disheartened owners would sell it at a very low price just to get rid of it.

Where to buy these items?  Answers: (1) You can go to various law offices that specialize on marriage annulments.  Evidently, their clients had a terrible married life that they would want to get rid of any souvenir in their possession at any given price.  (2) You can go to psychologists and/or marriage counselors.  Like the law offices, their clients would want to trash out bad memories both non-tangible and tangible ones.  (3) You can go to various coffee shops and restaurants and wait for unfaithful couples fighting in public.  Sometimes you can get the item for free.  Just wait for the fuming lady to throw her ring or bracelet or necklace towards her lover before running away leaving the scene.  Obviously, the guy would not have the time to pick up the cherished trinket for he will straight away run after his lady to explain.  Just wait and discreetly pick the precious jewelry.  (4)  You can go to different bridges in the metro.  If you are lucky, you could bump into a suicidal person who has plans of jumping over the bridge because he or she has been dumped by his or her partner.  Just make sure to do the necessary and immediate negotiation of buying the gifts they received before letting them jump over the bridge.  Otherwise, you would have to jump along with the freaky broken hearted folks to chase the precious gifts they received from their exes.

How to sell?  Answers: (1) You can negotiate with various antique shops in Malate to sell your products on a concession basis.  Antique shops for sure would love to hear the interesting stories behind these items.  (2) You can join expos and various bazaars where you can sell these items.  For a more catchy name you can call your booth the Biak Na Pag-asa booth.  (3) You can create a website where you can feature your products.  Interested buyers can either purchase or bid for an auction you bought obviously at a higher price when you procured them but of a lesser price if purchased in different boutiques, jewelry shops or department stores.  You can name the website as www.sawi.com.ph.  For an added feature, make sure to have a free delivery service.

Gud lak sa bago mong bisnes.  Kikita ka, chak ‘yon!