A new school year is on! Going to school has always been fun.  However, it’s so ironic that the country’s so called "education system" doesn’t seem to "educate" itself.  Every year it’s the same old glitch that the system is face with:

• shortage in the number of classrooms
• shortage in the number of teachers
• shortage in the number of books
• shortage in the brain cells of teachers
• shortage in the teachers’ pay and perks
• shortage in the conducive-to-learning school facilities
• shortage in modern learning techniques and modules
• overage in the sky-rocketing school fees
• overage in the sky-rocketing prices of school supplies
• overage in the terror-loving teachers
• overage in the disease-causing school canteen food
• overage in the filthy and rundown school facilities
• overage in the old and rickety classrooms
• overage in the old and obsolete learning tools

We claim that we are an intelligent race yet every soul in the country knows that these are the perennial problems of the education system existing for more than a lifetime.  Also, every soul discerns how to simply solve the problem.  But the will and impetus to solve such has been very hard to pin down.

Ang tatalino!

Summer in the Philippines has always been excruciatingly hot!  It’s so hot that the strands of my hair and my fingernails would even grow sweat glands because my skin is not enough where sweat would secrete.

It’s blistering hot causing me to hallucinate.  Like after drinking radio-active margarita causing my brain cells to mutate, I would think under a scorching heat of the summer sun that there’s frostbite in Metro Manila people are turning into icicles.  To alleviate myself from the hot blistering summer, I would imagine that I’m suffering from hypothermia and aggravation of bronchial difficulties due to extreme cold weather condition.  I’m thinking that it’s so cold I need to have a fire place and a heater system installed inside my unit.  Before going to sleep I need to put on earmuffs, winter mittens, thermal underwear, a scarf and a snow suit.

If plans will push through, I will bring a ski when me and my friends will head to Puerto Galera next weekend.

Makapag yosi na nga!  Masyado ng maginaw ang naiisip ko!

Gardan is the one that I remember most among all the medicines which I took during my childhood days.  It is the pill that helped me overcome the throbbing pain every time I would suffer from an earth-shattering toothache.

Years ago capsules and tablets are medications that we use to pop to relieve or cure us from any pain, illness or disease.  Now, capsules and tablets do not necessarily heal, there are a lot that proliferates with no claims of supernova therapeutic treatment but merely acts as a body supplement.

Supplements may it be in capsule, tablet or in any other form nowadays is a bazillion peso industry in the country.  Dietary Supplements are so successful, it is already a phenomenon for all food products advertised in the media to be repositioned in terms of advertising and marketing being something healthy, fit, holistic and lifestyle-friendly.  Even caffeine-toxic coffee now is being advertised as a better antioxidant than anything on the face of the planet.

These pills are a runaway success in terms of sales as evidenced by the propagation of multiple big-budgeted TV endorsements.  For the last week, I’ve caught random glimpses of the following in the boob tube making me realize that soon twisted people’s taste buds will no longer be useful:

Heartvit for the heart 

Caltrate Plus for the bones

Arthro for the joints

Memo Plus for the brain

Liveraide Silymarine for the liver

Methathione for the skin

Fitrum for the waist line

Ampalaya Plus for the blood sugar level

Charantia for glucose tolerance

Kidney Care for the kidney

My Marvel Taheebo for the immune system

Xenical for the body weight

Abs Bitter Herb for the abs?! (hahaha!)

Circulan Forte for the body part that needs to erect when the need arises

Capsulac for I don’t know (basta starring Eddie Garcia & Cristy Fermin)

Just imagine ingesting all these supplements everyday to have a fit healthy body?  Obviously, it will make your stomach full leaving no space for the real genuine chow.  As a positive effect, there will be enough supply of authentic legitimate food for the poor since it’s obvious that only the opulent folks can afford to buy all these supplements.  The country will be self-sufficient in its own crops, live stocks and vegetation no longer needing to import produce from other nearby countries.

Now going back to Gardan, I suppose on no account will I pop it again since there will be a very slim chance for me to experience a toothache since I no longer need to masticate these capsules and tablets. Just swallow it!

Nakuuu jos kuuu!

Fruits and vegetable generally refers to the edible part of a plant. It’s a common fact that fruits and vegetables are good for the body. Here in our country, these healthy perishables are often mocked and ridiculed.

Take the case of kamote. Kamote is a word that is use to describe a person who is dense and stupid. Others define it as a person who accepts other probabilities as flaw to any given proposition.

In case of Patola and Petchay, these 2 veggies would often replace the P word when a Pinoy is cursing. Instead of expressing “Anak ng P#+@%^!” folks would change it to “Anak ng patola!” or “Anak ng pechay!” as if these two vegetables were the only garden meat that ladies with the oldest profession eat.

“Couch Patatas” is the Filipino slang version of a couch potato meaning a person who is extremely lazy and spends much of the time either sitting or lying down, usually watching TV. Just like me!

“Patikim ng Pinya” (1996), “Talong” (1999) & “Kangkong” (2001) are movie titles produced and released in the country. They have one common theme though. It’s all low-budgeted bold flicks.

“Oh my Gulay!” is a Pinoy expression commonly used to present a feeling of shock, frustration, excitement, or surprise.

These garden meats can also help to describe a person’s body part – “paang luya”; “balat sibuyas”; “kutis labanos”; “mala-makopang kutis” and “ga-munggong tighawat” to name a few.

“Oo! Inaamin ko, saging lang kami! Pero maghanap ka ng puno… sa buong Pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso. Saging lang ang may puso!”- Mark Lapid in Apoy Sa Dibdib ng Samar “

One of the most hilarious lines ever stated in Philippine Cinema. Though expressed in a supposed-to-be serious dramatic manner, this line became a big hit in Youtube among Pinoy viewers. It became a mega-hit in which a hip-hop song was even derived from those side-splitting lines and even considered as one of the most memorable lines in Pinoy Cinema.

Talong, saging, patola, mani, papaya, melon, upo, petchay, pakwan, munggo and kaong have something in common which I won’t dare to discuss or even define.

Holy kamote!

  At present, I own a Nokia N73 music edition model.  My cell phone now is not the latest neither the oldest Nokia model but it is not just my communication device.  I use it also as….

• A calendar
• A phone book
• A watch
• An alarm clock
• A to-do-list reminder
• A blog-to-write-about reminder
• A phone
• A digital camera
• A video camera
• A radio
• An mp3 player
• A TV
• A gaming device
• An internet browser
• A calculator
• A personal past event tracker
• An audio recorder
• A photo album
• A grocery list note pad
• An alternative pen & paper
• A paper weight
• A mirror
• A brain extender
• A security measure device (when in doubt inside a cab, I would usually text the name of the taxi and its number to a friend or a relative)
• A wisdom provider and spirit booster (thanks to those who text me those precious stories and quotations)

Wais di ba?!  

Today, I received a terrible text message….

“D’AUDITORS of PHIL. CHARITY FOUNDATION inform you that your CELFON WON P950,000 2nd prize winner, draw last JAN. 09, 2008.  PLS CALL ME NOW I’M ALFRED A. CHUA.”

Whoever texted me this message must be insane.  I did not win but my cellphone did?!  As far as I can remember, my cellphone did not join any raffle.  I did not call of course.  Since my cellphone was the one who won then I will let my cellphone call him.  The thing is my cellphone do not have a cellphone for it to call this brainless Mr. Chua.

Manloloko lang engot pa!

Last year in this blog I wrote about the worst dressed male celebrities in the Philippines.  I don’t want to pay tribute to that king of species anymore but rather do it the nicer way.  I decided to choose the most beautiful celebrities in the country this year.  They are:

• Suzie Entrata, TV and Corporate Events Host.  I have been watching this lady even during her Gameplan tv show days.  She does not have the prettiest face on tv but I like her skin color – smooth olive brown.  She may not possess the sexiest body but she simply exudes genuine fun and vitality mixed with acumen confidence that is hard to find in the boobtube.

• Michelle Carbonell, Be Bench Model Search 3rd placer.  During the model search I though that there must have been a bad lineup who auditioned for the program since she was selected to be part of the top 16.  But as the search progress this young lady has surprisingly transformed into an articulate and very sexy demoiselle.

• Mariel Rodriguez, TV Host.  Cute, fashionable, bubbly, surprisingly intelligent, promising, funny and very natural.  What makes Mariel beautiful is her way of laughing at herself due to the booboos she unintentionally commits in front of the TV.  She can fabulously get away with anything.

• Yael Yuson, Lead Singer of Spongecola.  I have yet to see him perform live and in person.  He may not be towering in terms of height and do not possess a typical pretty boy face but his mere presence bewitches everyone who would look at him.

• Piolo Pascual, showbiz superstar.  I guess everyone agrees in this matter.  Piolo simply beams testoterone elegance.  He is refined and good-looking.  The conundrum about his real character and personality (though a public figure) even adds up to his being gorgeous.

• Ace Durano, Secretary of the Department of Tourism.  It is very rare to see a young, clean-cut and well-dressed individual holding a government post.  Ace Durano is one of them.  His TV and newspapaer interviews speaks about the beauty of the Philippines that adds up to him being ravishingly fine looking.

After all the outrageous mess that has happened last November 29 in Manila Peninsula hotel led by Antonio Trillanes IV and his Magdalo group, the country is back again in its not so normal state making small steps towards progress.  This event only showed that Pinoy folks are still suffering from people power fatigue.

No thanks to the 11 million people who trusted and voted for this preposterous scene stealing creature for making him a senator.  Thank goodness I was not one of them.  Surprisingly, after the embarrassing Manila Peninsula hotel standoff no one seems to admit now that he/she voted for him.  For sure his voters are very disappointed for this is not the type of service they have expected from the guy.

Maybe the reason why Trillanes wanted to overtake Manila Peninsula hotel is because he wanted it to be the new Malacañang Palace where he will hold his office if he succeeded!  Hahaha!  Pa-sosyal ang lolo mo!  No to big-joke Trillanes!  Jail that obtuse-witted senator!

One of the lessons that can be learned in this incident is that people need not go out of the street to show how one loved his country.  It is merely by doing your job efficiently with full honesty and integrity that will lead our country to greater heights.

Hay nako!  Binoto nyo kasi, ayan tuloy feeling ewan ang lolo mo!

Due to the deteriorating English communication skills of Pinoy folks, it has been a prevalent  joke in the Philippines that people would suffer from nosebleed if they hear other individuals speak in straight grammatically correct English language.

Via text messages, millions of pesos have been spent by Pinoy mortals who enjoys sharing the impressive verbal ability of Inday (“the exceptional maid”).  Reading the brilliant thoughts and expressions that gifted Inday makes has been very enjoyable.   Thanks to all  who sent me these crazy text messages in my cell phone.  It surely put a smile on my face.  Nowadays, it has been a popular practice in the country to send and share these funny messages to friends.

Here are the accumulated text messages I received for the past months regarding Inday’s outstanding knack on English communication that surely made a lot of people to suffer from “nosebleed”.

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday:  A change in the weather patterns might have occured wrecking havoc to the surroundings.  The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo: Inday! Bakit maalat ang ulam?!
Inday:  The consistency was fine.  But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible.  I do apologize.
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo: Inday! Bakit may bukol si Junior?!
Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural desgn of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo: Inday! Bakit nasunog ang sinaing?!
Inday: Heavy fire that exerted by the stimulus affect the best conductor of heat which is steel, causing the “oriza sativa” which is the scientific name for rice to change its state of color, smell as well as taste.
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo:  Inday! Bakit walang kangkong ang sinigang?!
Inday:  Ipomea Aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the  digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we take.  Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market.
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo: Inday!? Bakit may rashes si Junior?!
Inday:  Allergens triggered the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and ostaglandins.  These substances results to increase circulation to the site promoting redness.
Amo: (nosebleed)

Amo:  Inday!  Bakit eto na lang ang sukli sa pinamalengke mo?!
Inday:  Higher stock index and the low flow of investment triggered the inflation of prices, thus, the purchasing power of peso is weak
Amo: (nosebleed)

“Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!”
— si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate (Taray talaga ni Inday!)

“Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities.  I have already made initial survey of current market prices.  Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis.
— si Inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke

“Much as I want to indulge in the proliferation of such indecent and malicious information, I want to lift the stigma and alleviate society’s perception of our profession.”
— si Inday, tumangging makipagtsismisan sa katulong sa kabilang bahay

“Dear Inday,
Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong  kababasa ng pesteng sulat mo!
Tatay”

Klasik ka Inday!