Category Archives: demented thoughts

Ironing Board Cover: A New Pinoy-LV Merchandise

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Louis Vuitton is known to be an irrationally expensive leather bag.  The most expensive LV bag so far is actually equivalent to a fully furnished 1-bedroom condo unit here in the Philippines.  LV actually has diversified in terms of its products.  They no longer just vend eclectic leather goods.  They also sell timepieces, accessories, apparels, shoes, fine jewelry and even luxurious condoms.

lv condom (is this haute couture?)

After looking into the website of genuine and authentic LV, their fashion house actually has yet to feature one product that is however already circulating here in the streets of Metro Manila.  It’s the LV Ironing Board Cover!

a new pinoy-lv merchandise (available only in the streets of metro manila)

I purchased myself a piece and replaced the old and grubby cover of my 10-year old ironing board.  It snugly fits the wooden plank and gives a perfectly smooth and even ironing surface because of the triple-layer construction.  What’s more, unlike the usual LV merchandise, it’s cheap.  The toothless street vendor is selling it at 100 pesos (US$ 2.35), but using my impeccable charm in haggling I got it at eighty pesos (US$1.88).

Read this aloud the way a jolly Home TV Shopping voice-over does it: “Put fashion into your ironing!  LV Ironing Board Cover, it brightens up the ironing! It brightens up your home!”

It’s platsa taym…

Bus Movies

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On a long journey via bus what do you usually do? Are you the type who would bring tons of salty chips to nibble? Are you the forty winks aficionado? Are you the bus’ bookworm? Are you the creature who would simply gaze outside the window?  Or are you the beast who would drain your battery’s digital gizmo?

Very long travels by bus could be very daunting.  That is why a lot of bus companies try to be innovative by introducing various facilities available inside these massive roadsters – free WiFi; cool drinks and sandwiches for sale; air conditioning; toilet facility; shock-proof LCD flat screen TV with DVD player; reclining chairs, etc.  These add-on features aims to further enhance passenger’s comfort over a lengthy journey.

I have been to two long journeys via transit buses in the past week (first was an 8-hour journey to Baguio and just the other day was the two-and-a-half-hour travel to Magalang, Pampanga).  Adding up all the hours I spent inside the bus on a round-trip-basis would be a total of 21 hours.

While inside those buses, I was all the types I inquired above.  But what I noticed every time a movie will have to be played on TV inside a Filipino bus, the film has to be a Hollywood movie.  I will not rant about the pirated DVD being used by these bus companies but instead the type of movie being shown.

I guess it would have been better and my focus would have been more stuck on TV if the movie being shown were the black and white 50’s and 60’s Filipino film that were shown in the pinalakang tabing (silver screen).  The time spent inside the bus could have been more pleasant and comforting seeing the young and stunning Gloria Romero, the then skinny Dolphy and plump Panchito and Dely Atay-atayan, the bubbly Rosemarie Sonora, debonair Mario Montenegro as well as suave Rogelio Dela Rosa or Diomedes Maturan.  The Pinoy film to be shown would be at its best if, of course, the contrabida (villain) would be the wicked Bella Flores.

Further to this suggestion, it would be best if contemporary Filipino short indie films would be featured in between these classic full length movies.  This I guess would be one great vehicle for the unrecognized and undistributed yet artistic short indie films gain wider viewership.

If this fantasy would turn out to become a reality in the future, this would improve and further bind Pinoy cultural cohesiveness.  It presents the Pinoy film heritage and at the same time makes the riding public aware of the richness of the prevailing film industry.

Spending bus hours on the road could have been more comfortable and enjoyable!

Ang Tagalog ng bas ay bus.

Pararampam! Pararampam!

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According to Simon Cowell a contestant’s choice of song in a singing competition is one humongous factor for the judges and the viewing public to consider the contestant as a good contender.  Have you ever wondered what song are you gonna sing if you are to audition in a talent-reality show?

I do.  Here’s my chosen song…

O ‘di ba… pang standing obeyshon…

Artistas Quest For The Elusive Olympic Gold

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a videograb from youtube featuring the judo powers of baretto and greco-roman wrestling ability of santiago

Philippine telecommunications magnate Manny V. Pangilinan (MVP) has been a longtime supporter of the Philippine Olympic Committee (POC), the duly recognized organization by the International Olympic Committee for the Philippines’ representation in the Olympic Games.

Hours ago, the country’s dream to win an Olympic medal faltered when Pinoy boxer Mark Barriga lost his fight to a Kazahstani fighter.  Thus, another 4 long years again the Philippines will have to wait for a chance to finally pull it off and achieve that elusive Olympic gold.

It has always been a well known fact that the POC lacks the modern equipment, cutting-edge facilities and expert trainers to hone Filipino athletes who would slug it out during the Olympics.  Many people say that the answer to this long running Olympic medal draught is money.

If a lot of people are saying that money is the solution, I just wondered, what if the 4-billion-peso losses of TV5 the TV network owned by MVP was instead spent to buy modern sports equipment, construct cutting-edge sports facilities and train, feed, clothe and shelter the Filipino athletes, would the Filipinos today be united and are already rejoicing for the triumph of the country’s first Olympic gold?

Yeah, if I were MVP I would have spent the 4 billion pesos to these sports related venture.  This would clearly be one great patriotic endeavor.  Too bad I am not MVP.

But if I have the wealth and power of MVP mixed with lunatic neurons and neurotransmitters of Nengkoy’s son (that’s me,) I would spend the 4 billion to Philippine sports but will have to have specific conditions to further ensure the success of obtaining the Olympic gold.  I would dole out 4 billion pesos to Philippine sports only if the following artistas (Filipino entertainment celebrities) will compete for the following Olympics event:

  1.  With the expertise she has shown during her NAIA Terminal 3 airport showdown with Mon Tulfo, actress Claudine Barreto will have to compete in women’s Judo and Taekwondo
  2.  Corollary to item number 1, actor Raymart Santiago will compete in men’s Greco-Roman Wrestling event
  3. Since the Aldeguer Sisters would be too old already by this time, I will demand that the Wea Twins who now for sure are adults must compete in the duet competition of Synchronized Swimming
  4. Corollary to item number 3, the Sex Bomb Dancers will compete also in Synchronized Swimming but in the team competition event
  5.  Since he has done two Panday movies and is planning to film a third one, senator/actor Ramon Bong Revilla must vie for men’s Fencing event
  6. Corollary to item number 5, Anabelle Rama who showed great potential in Fencing during the wake of the late Dolphy by using a cane in trying to whisk her nemesis must compete in that event
  7. Yet corollary to item number 6, Chito Arceo who ran like a scared rat when threatened by Anabelle with a cane must compete in the 100-meter dash
  8. For the country to have more chances of winning the Olympic gold in athletics, Vice Ganda who is a self-confessed horse must also compete in the 100-meter dash
  9. Marian Rivera, Charlene Gonzales, Alice Dixon and Alma Moreno must compete in the various Swimming events since all of them played the role of Dyesebel in the movies and on TV in their respective eras.  They can even vie for the 4×100 meter medley relay.  They will of course will be coached by Vilma Santos who ones played the same role during the ‘70s
  10. Too bad FPJ and Rudy Fernandez are no longer around, they could be our best bet in Shooting events.  These legends never miss a shot in their movies.   Nevertheless, I will give the opportunity to action stars Robin Padilla and Cesar Montano to compete in Air Rifle and Rapid Fire Pistol events
  11. Lastly, Kris Aquino.  She will not compete in any game – she’s to lame – but will instead be the Philippine flag bearer during the big opening ceremony to be escorted of course by Baby “Bimby” James

Talo nanaman kasi tayo kaya kung ano-ano nanaman ang naiisip ko. Go por gold!

David, Goliath and an Angry Bird

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I have always wondered how David toppled down Goliath.  There must be something in the story of these two characters which has yet to be unraveled.  The picture below which I delicately altered is one personal theory.

david, goliath and an angry bird

On a more serious note, like the great David, I believe that all of us are exquisite, noble and powerful beyond our wildest fantasies.  I believe that every human makeup has an Angry-Bird-like weapon somewhere deep within ones persona.  It may be a sharp wit, a drop-dead gorgeous body, a rare talent, or a remarkable positive character trait.

And yet, a lot of us devalue ourselves and our capacities with weak alibis and hindering beliefs.  Maybe the reason why we do self-devaluations is because we are either too afraid of failures or too scared of successes.   That is why we end up like Goliath.

So let’s be like David and try unraveling our Angry Bird so as to conquer our life’s Goliath.

Pag ako binato ng Engri Berd, sasaluhin ko at i-aadobo ang ibong yan!

Bizarre Containers of One’s Possessions

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While a bunch of high class souls are still trying to figure out how they were duped by a social climbing biotch (now popularly known as the “500-million-peso-Birkin-Scam”) and the perpetrator is laughing her way to the bank, an observer can easily assume that no person can buy class.  No amount of Hermes, Chanel, LVs and Louboutins can establish a person’s refinement and sophistication.

The highlight and emphasis about the turn of events regarding the scam as written in the Philippine Daily Inquirer revolves around the pricey Birkin bags by Hermes.  While reading the article, I was at awe on how these pieces of exotic (ostrich, calf, crocodile or lizard) leather sewn together can be priced at a multi-million peso level.  When in fact a bag is a bag is a bag!  It is in no way more functional as compared to an ordinary sack, that is, a simple container of one’s own possession.

I won’t be surprised and question the cost of these containers if there are more functional uses out of these bags.   Moreover, I won’t question the price of these bags if the material is actually created not of exotic leathers but instead made of the human foreskin.

Using the prepuce I suppose is more functional!  The foreskin cut from male genitalia during circumcision when preserved, treated and made into a leathery material and created into a purse can be more functional and more practical.  In which, when the owner wish to increase the size of the purse made from human foreskin, she would simply rub it so as to turn it into a bag! Transforming the bag into a humongous luggage can be so simple.  The owner can simply lick it!

The most expensive variety (more expensive than those measly Birkins, I suppose) of purses or bags of these types would be those material made from the hard-to-find biblical foreskins of Philistines.  Read this:

1 Samuel 18:25-27 
Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.'” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines. When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

Therefore, there would only be 200 rare varieties of these types of bags or purses that would exist around this planet.  Now, start searching!

Hala! Bastus at blaspemus!

I Believe In Mermaids

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king triton

I hate the CBS News report in which the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) claims that there are no such things as mermaids.  I hate this group by calling mermaids not as mermaids but instead naming them as “aquatic humanoids”.  This undignified tagging is ridiculously unbecoming.

For me mermaids are symbols of enchanting moments and they only appear to those who are pure and true at heart.  Declaring mermaids being not real is like saying magical times are non-existent in a person’s life.

It’s like saying Ariel, The Little Mermaid, who got gadgets and gizmos a plenty and got whozits and whazits galore is a hoax.  Therefore it’s like saying that my favorite Disney character – Ursula, The Wicked Sea Witch – is a duping practical joke. Oh, c’mon!

Sorry NOAA, but I will forever believe in mermaids and please stay out of this beautiful mess.  Start getting a decent life, for Zeus’ sake! I just hope those poor unfortunate souls working in NOAA won’t meet King Triton on their way to their respective offices, for he must be very angry and easily strike them with his trident and turn them into sea polyps.

Wala ako katiwa-tiwala sa NOAA na yan! Mga sinungaling!

Snow White, Heigh Ho & The Classic Kulugo

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I have just seen the movie “Snow White and the Huntsman”.  And I must say this is one enjoyable film.  What I like most about the movie is that viewers need not have to bring a lot of brain cells with them inside the theater to comprehend the storyline.  Though the approach of course is modern, it was somewhat still faithful to the iconic fairytale.

I appreciated the director and writer’s improvisation about the character they made out of Snow White.  This is especially true at the latter part of the movie when Snow White – the classic wimpy damsel in distress – stood up and fought for her civil liberties and be the rightful queen of her kingdom.

To add to this appreciation, the movie is so pleasant it featured four magically engaging beauties (Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth and Sam Claflin).

However, here are my silly, absurd and bugged out observations…

First, I was in utter disbelief that Kristen Stewart casted as Snow White could actually beat the stunning beauty of Charlize Theron in any beauty contest in real life.  For the movie to be more believable, the casting director should have not chosen Theron to play the role of Queen Ravenna for it would be too difficult to find an actress who would play the role of Snow White.  When the creature inside the “mirror, mirror on the wall” told Charlize that Kristen is “the fairest of them all”, I wanted to shout inside the theater and tell that silly creature, “C’mon! That is such a lie!”

Second, I was a bit disappointed when the classic anthems in the classic Snow White movie were not performed.  I would have appreciated it more if the seven dwarfs sang “Heigh Ho” and Snow White belted “Someday My Prince Will Come” when they were at the Sanctuary, The Land of the Fairies. The adults inside the theater who grew up in the era of the classic Disney version for sure are actually waiting for these numbers.

Third, I know that that the costumes, the production design and the make-ups of all characters were very impressive.  The visual effects were actually beyond my comprehension.  I can say it’s the fairest of them all.  However, I failed to see the humongous “kulugo” (wart) on the nose of the wicked Queen Ravenna when she was turning into an old ugly witch.  In the classic cartoon version, the wicked witch’s facial wart is so prominent you would be too stupid to miss it!

May pagnanasa pala si Isno Wayt kay Mayti Thor!

Pussy of Namba Parks

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On our way to Namba Parks shopping complex in Osaka, me, my sister Joecel and my niece Erika passed by a store named Kiki.  “Kiki” being a word that means vagina in Tagalog – out of fun – took the opportunity to take a photo with the store’s banner.  Don’t be too assuming on what the store sells, because when I checked they sell ladies’ ready-to-wear clothes!

After marveling on the aesthetic architectural sensation of the building’s park and garden rooftop and had a huge hamburger snack inside the mall (a delicious break from all the Japanese meals we had and will be having), we decided to head back to Erika’s house.  However, the three of us had some difficulty figuring out the correct exit door so as to have a short walk from Namba Parks to Erika’s apartment.

With nervousness starting to build up inside me (being in a country where the English language is seldom spoken by the locals), I was reminded that we passed through the Kiki store.  Out of tenseness and uncontrollable edginess, I told Erika that we should look for the “puke” (the blunt and vulgar Filipino way of saying the word vagina).  Still confused, I reminded Joecel and Erika that “we earlier pass through the pussy of the mall!”

When we found the Kiki store… I was relieved.  We happily headed back at my nephew and niece’s apartment.

Pag nerbyusin ka din, kung ano-ano din naman ang nasasabi mo ‘di ba? 

A Letter to Akihito

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To His Royal Highness who sits on the Chrysanthemum Throne,

Good morning.

Let me take the pleasure of sending you a word and your imperial army that the most delicious earthling is due to arrive in your splendid land and noble empire anytime soon.  In so doing, your gracious directive and decree is hereby in order which your dwellers have to ensure:

First requirement: Ensure that the delicate flowers that signify the welcome of spring season in your dynasty will be in its full bloom.  The delicious earthling would like to witness this incredible phenomenon.

Second requirement: Your land being at the zone of the planet’s ring of fire must ensure that no tectonic-shaking circumstance must take place at any time during the length of stay of the delicious earthling.  The delicious visitor hates the feeling of disequilibrium and whirling sensation.

Last and final requirement: Your kingdom is known to have preposterous fees and sky-rocketing prices.  The delicious earthling plans to trade his wealth and richness with your abundant commercialized treasures.  In other words, he plans to go on shopping!  Therefore, ensure to assess and lower down the financial value of your land’s commodities during the delicious earthling’s stay.  Otherwise, the delicious earthling will carry with him tons of Ma-Ling (canned luncheon meat) and large boxes of ensaymada (sugar-sprinkled buttered pastry bread).

Your Comrade in Wealth,

The Delicious Earthling

Dahil malamig dun, magbabaon din ako ng Kopiko tri-in-wan copi.