If I drive, the car would be a convincing weapon of mass destruction.  That is why I opt to take a cab.  Dealing with taxi drivers in this part of the world can be so complex.  It requires perseverance, persuasion, guile, and unbendable guts.

Yesterday, on my way to my office, I drive a taxi using my mouth.  This is because the driver controlling the steering wheel doesn’t know which way to turn to get to my destination.

A couple of months ago, a taxi driver shouted “Eh gago ka pala eh, sinong bobo?” when the only thing I told him was to turn right to Bocobo.  It was early in the morning and I was not in the mood to let the hearing-impaired taxi driver eat dust.  I just patiently told him (and added a thousand of decibels more from my voice ) to turn right to Bocobo Street.

Every so often, the taxi driver would allow me to get into his cab but only to be rejected upon knowing my destination (explaining its out of his way or its too traffic) and expect me to get out immediately.  In this crazy instance, I would have no choice but to alight.  But out of despair and blood curdling anger, I would disembark and walkaway from the car without closing or shutting the backseat’s door.

A week ago on my way to Ayala Center in Makati, I asked the taxi driver to pass via Gil Puyat Avenue.  He responded, “Sige sir sa Hell Poyat”.

Dapat pala sinabi ko na lang Bwenja (Buendia Avenue).

I have nothing to say.

Though I have nothing to say, I was able to conceive a statement that is composed of five words that is composed of five words with a total of seventeen letters and one punctuation mark.  Count it!

The mere fact that I have nothing to say actually enabled me to say something.  It’s amusing but essentially pointless.  This inane and immaterial statement makes perfect sense in my whimsical world because for me, there’s a point in being pointless.

I’m pointless because my brain is shut off and there’s zilch amount of information juices coming out from it.  Thus expecting for an idea out from this writing is simply futile.  Or is it really shut off?  Because if it is then I won’t be able to think and conclude that I am thinking of nothing and that I have nothing to say.  It’s like the crazy idea that saying nothing is actually saying something.

I don’t give a fart if you think that this writing is ridiculous and I’m turning nuts and bonkers.  Then again, you’re reading this, so you’re probably crazier that I am.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Lakas tama!

Today is not a working day.  There is so much going on out in my office.

Today is not a working day.  There is a beautiful sun outside.

Today is not a working day.  How I wish I am in a beach today.

Today is not a working day.  Spending the day in the mall can be okay.

Today is not a working day.  I am mad about the intrinsic unfairness of life.

Today is not a working day.  Today I am in denial.

Today is not a working day. Today is not a working day!

Sumpong ng kaaningan ang tawag dito. 

I have been sentenced to complete horizontalness for the past 36 hours because some lousy micro-scum has invaded my delicious mortal parts.  For me, being ill is like having a bad vacation for I got to fasten myself inside the confines of my house.

While trying to recuperate and get myself out from the malaise that I have been subjected to, I justified and thought of the benefits and reasons why I should not go out of my house, to wit:

• I can practice mental telepathy.
• There is a good probability that I run into some bad elements lurking in the streets like hold-upper, kidnapper or kiss-napper.
• The ozone layer got a humongous hole, the ice caps are melting, the country is in the ring of fire, therefore, in case a cataclysmic event may happen, I’m in the comforts of my bed.
• I have enough time to think of a plan on how to haul the corpse of Michael Jackson in a music studio and record the sounds of its decomposition which I can sell later.
• Roger Federer or Madonna Louise Ciccone might call.

Lagnat pa lang yan…

First and for all, I don’t care less to say that I am a strong proponent of learning English as a common language.  Coming from a country of multiple dialects, i know for a fact since time in memorial that a common language can bridge groups of differing opinions.

The idea crossed at the back of my mind telling me that language may not necessarily unite opposing views, but it’s a blessing in the sky because it allows communication and understanding at the rudimentary level.  Therefore, remember to always English correctly because if you do, your friends will give you a big hand of applause.  That is why always tell your friends to speak in English because the more the manyer and what are friends are for?

I may be barking at the wrong dog, but some believe that efficiency in speaking and writing English does not necessarily result to the country’s financial development as evidenced by Asian countries who speak poor English but with the sky’s the langit riches.  But still, I’m only human nature to believe that every cloud has a silver lightning in which this skill will eventually and somehow make our country richly developed.  Thus, if you don’t practice English, it’s not my problem anymore, it’s your problem anymore.

Teka-moment.  Na-whelm ako! I stand by korekted!

The Philippines after two devastating weather disturbances lived-up to its name as the storm laboratory in Asia Pacific.  In the news today, experts say that future rains in the country would even be heavier compared to the past years as attributed to the change in climate and global warming.

When I was young, I did not agree to the knowledge that the country’s two seasons in a year was either wet or dry.  I always thought that our country’s two seasons was either hot or hotter.  But congruent to the shift in world’s climate, my belief is also starting to change.  I am starting to believe that Philippine weather seasons is either wet or wetter.  During the hot and hotter years, Pinoys are actually wet or wetter.  We are wet or wetter due to the sweat we sweat.

It was also hot or hotter for the past couple of decades that Pinoy brains melt and mixed with the sweat.  The brain thawed and what is left is the hypothalamus – the seat of human sex and carnal knowledge.  And since sex is a mental thing (yes! ultimate height of sex happen in the brain), copulation and procreation became Pinoy’s national past-time.  As a result, Pinoys are consequently wet or wetter in specific portions of the body (figure it out where) that led to the country’s explosion in population.

Ayan! Basa na!

Being healthy is wealthy

or

Being wealthy is healthy

?

Basta ako, gusto ko mayaman ako (part 2)

Inside a mall hanging out with my relatives and while waiting on queue for our turn to dine in a Japanese restaurant, I excused myself to rush to the nearest bookstore.  I purchased a book authored by Mitch Albom to feed my brain during weekends.  When I arrived in the restaurant my nephews and nieces checked on the book, how much it was and discussed that they have read other works of Mr. Albom.

My eldest nephew suggested downloading books from the internet and read it form my iPod Touch for it is sometimes free or cheaper instead of having the hassle of buying pricey bulky books.  My second to the eldest niece suggested downloading audio books, which she explained to be even more chic and even more hassle free for you can listen to stories while doing other stuff.

I refuse both suggestions.  For one, I don’t know where and how to download an e-book or an audio-book.  I admit that I am a moron on this new technology.  But my main reason is because I like the musty smell of paper.  My silly sister suggested shoving a lot of paper inside my nasal cavity while reading an e-book if the smell of paper is the only reason.

Books in its old fashioned form may not be earth-friendly anymore but the feel of crisp paper on my hand and the act of turning the pages is a gesture of visiting another world, another life, another space in time.  E-books and audio-books may be avant-garde but I still enjoy the traditional way of exploring lives, places, cultures and emotions may it be fiction or not in the comforts of my bedroom.  I also love stocking books that I have finished reading.  After some time, the paper will turn sepia and its musty smell even grows more intense.  The color and smell reminds me of how nourished and enriched my twisted brain has been.

Oo.  Adik ako. Papel ang tinitira ko.

Lots of money is the root of all evil

or

Lack of money is the root of all evil

?

Basta ako, gusto ko mayaman ako.

One Filipino way of life that I can never allow is the dwelling of inconsiderate souls who possessed a self-imposed illusion of self-entitledment in places where a long queue is existing.  These are the inferior folks who prefer to cut into the line may it be at an ATM, a supermarket, a convenience store or a ticket booth to buy a movie pass or metro train ticket.

In no way would I accept any considerable amount of animated excuse from these individuals.  I do not allow those who would explain that they are in a hurry or their transaction would be quick or they simply pretend not to see the long obvious line.

If I fall in a long queue I would usually grow body hair of impatience and my big bulging eyes would usually flash a discernible sign declaring “Do not cut in on pain of death: Pumila Ka!”  Otherwise, an absolute flash of verbal abuse is what they get for them to back off.  These verbal abuses would usually be accompanied with a nose bleeding expatriate-like accent.

If the moron who cut into the line would pretend not to hear the bolts of thunder coming out of my mouth, I never hesitate on calling the establishment’s officer or manager to report the matter.  I make sure that other mortals standing in queue would hear my report as if I am making a silly scene.  This would usually result into shame and embarrassment for the dimwit line cutter.  From an expatriate-like accent I would shift my inflection into a clear Pinoy tone and would utter “Bobo ka ba? Pumila ka!” (Are you stupid? Fall in line!) while the humuliated soul place himself at the end of the line.

Hwag kang madugas.  Pumila ka!